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Archive for The Ex

Proverbs 31: 10-31

October 8, 2014 at 11:45 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


The Noble Wife

10 Who can find a noble wife?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband trusts her completely.
    She gives him all the important things he needs.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She chooses wool and flax.
    She loves to work with her hands.
14 She is like the ships of traders.
    She brings her food from far away.
15 She gets up while it is still dark.
    She provides food for her family.
    She also gives some to her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it.
    She uses some of the money she earns to plant a vineyard.
17 She gets ready to work hard.
    Her arms are strong.
18 She sees that her trading earns a lot of money.
    Her lamp doesn’t go out at night.
19 With one hand she holds the wool.
    With the other she spins the thread.
20 She opens her arms to those who are poor.
    She reaches out her hands to those who are needy.
21 When it snows, she’s not afraid for her family.
    All of them are dressed in the finest clothes.
22 She makes her own bed coverings.
    She is dressed in fine linen and purple clothes.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate.
    There he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen clothes and sells them.
    She supplies belts to the traders.
25 She puts on strength and honor as if they were her clothes.
    She can laugh at the days that are coming.
26 She speaks wisely.
    She teaches faithfully.
27 She watches over family matters.
    She is busy all the time.
28 Her children stand up and call her blessed.
    Her husband also rises up, and he praises her.
29 He says, “Many women do noble things.
    But you are better than all the others.”
30 Charm can fool you. Beauty fades.
    But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned.
    Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate.

Proverbs 31: 10-31 (NIRV)

Hymn to a Good Wife

10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
    and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
    all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
    and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
    and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
    for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
    then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
    rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
    is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
    diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
    reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
    their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
    and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
    when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
    brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
    and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
    and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
    and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
    her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
    but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
    The woman to be admired and praised
    is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!

Proverbs 31: 10-31 (MSG)

How well do you know the Lord? Do you know Him well enough that when you call out to Him and He answers that you actually hear Him and know it is Him?

I am not perfect and I have a lot of things I do wrong and a lot of things that are sin in my life.

I was beginning to see that something in my marriage was missing. At first I was blaming it on the fact that currently we have nothing in common. We don’t seek out the Lord together. We don’t have hobby’s or activities we do together (although we have talked and I am always told it will change but it doesn’t). We have our children. We have his humor that makes us laugh. We have an unspoken love that most can see when I am not in a horrible mood (I can be that woman). But we really don’t do anything together (other than watch TV).

Of course I don’t just accept that we have very little in common as an answer. I really did feel something was missing. So I decided to go to prayer. Now I wish I could say that God answered me as soon as I was praying, of course that would make things easy. And I really wish I could say that God told me it was Jack in the Box, because then that means I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Unfortunately that wasn’t the answer I got. After praying about it off and on for a bit, each time I prayed Proverbs 31 kept coming into my mind.

Now comes blinding honesty: I knew what Proverbs 31 was about. I know the end of it had to do with how to be a good wife to your husband. At the same time though I had never actually read it. I know there is a ministry that encourages it. I know our Pastor reads from it each Mothers Day. But I never really knew what any of it said or what I was supposed to do.

Of course this is a general guideline. This isn’t saying I need to learn to sew (I do know just don’t have everything needed). It is a guideline. And one thing I have stepped up to doing is making my husbands lunch each night. It may not seem like much or a lot but anytime he used to ask me (we are talking since about 2008) I would mostly huff and puff about it and say no. And if I did do it, I would make a huge deal about it. For about two weeks now I have been saying, “Yes, what would you like.” each time he asks me if I will make him a lunch for work.

In my first marriage I really did try hard to make things work. I would do little things for my Ex. I would do whatever I needed to in order to do big things for my Ex. So why did that stop? Why am I giving up being that person in this marriage with this man I love?

With my first marriage all we did was fight. I never felt I was good enough. I always felt that I was this awful person who could never live up to what this person expected and wanted from me. And I think that is why I tried so hard, I tried that hard because I felt like if I just did one more thing it would make him actually love and appreciate me.

Now with my second husband we really don’t fight. He may not be happy with what I say but there isn’t a fight over it. I may not be happy with what he says but we don’t fight over it. I pretty much could say I wanted to go to Hawaii and swim with the sharks and he would say okay, let’s do it (of course that isn’t in our budget and probably never would be but the point is he would say let’s do it). So really it came down to I wasn’t trying because he loves me and even though there are times were he complains, he appreciates me for what I do; no matter how big or small.

So it may not be a lot but currently I am making his lunch, every night that he asks and I am doing it with any huff and puffs. I am trying to joyfully give my husband something. And let me say that most nights I really don’t feel like doing it but I am saying yes anyway and I am doing it.

I know there are a lot of others things I will be able to do but I am starting small. I have been trying to get some organization done and some decluttering done as well. It isn’t easy for me with having pain some days but I am really trying.

I know I have a lot of work that needs to be done in me and God is working in me. I just had to ask and even though I was hoping that He was going to tell me that it was Jack in the Box, turns out it is me. Turns out I am not giving my all to my husband as I should be. Not only do I want to be a good wife, I want to be a Godly wife and He has given me a great guideline to go by.

Amazing that when you have an actual relationship with God what you end up hearing when you pray and talk with Him.

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New School Year

September 1, 2014 at 1:13 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Where has this summer gone? We had a roller coaster of a ride with ups and downs.

We did manage to accomplish some of the things on the “list” though so that was a nice reward.

This summer we:

Lost our sweet bocker puppy

Finally got all of the baby and small-clothes out of the basement

Went to the zoo as a family

Had a garage sale

Welcomed a new puppy; a morkie to the family

Got out of the city and camped for a week

Made some serious decisions about our financial state

Got closer to having the Baby Monkey fully potty trained

Almost made it a full summer with getting along with The Ex

Ran our first 5k as a FAMILY

Got the Youngest Monkey and Baby Monkey to eat better food

Working through a Bible Study with friends; and it is life changing!

Only missed church two times

Watched the Oldest Monkey move to another state

Found out our niece is expecting

Did some reveal photographs for my niece and her fiance

Let our flower gardens (three) turn into weed gardens

Made a homemade carrot cake (it was so moist and yummy)

Learned more about Young Living Oils and how they can help our family

Discovered a new coffee flavor (that I love)

Went on walks together

Played soccer together

Accepted that I am a sinner, I will never be perfect and God loves me anyway

Figured out what my tattoo is going to be (have had an idea for 3 years but never firm on words)

Never took pain meds or allergy meds (thank you Young Living Oils)

Got amazing deals at Goodwill for school clothing (Thank you Lord)

Made some decisions about our health

We had a really busy summer and that list is only part of what we did. We have been blessed this year. Well the truth is we are always blessed because we believe in the Trinity, it is just that sometimes we forget and don’t always see it.

We have had a busy summer. Jack in the Box had been working at the same place for a year now (even though it began it was through a temp service).

We are starting the school year and we have:

Baby Monkey who is going two half days a week for speech

Youngest Monkey who is going into first grade

Middle Monkey who is going to be a sophomore

Oldest Monkey who is working in another state

I can’t believe that all my Monkey’s are growing up and in school or working. Where has time gone? Cherish your moments and times because they fly by faster than you could ever imagine (I remember when I was a child time took forever to pass by and now I can’t get it to go slow enough).

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End of July!

July 22, 2012 at 9:33 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,


We are nearing the end of July. My life has been revolving (seriously) around the golf outing that is being put on in August for the Fallen Officer here in town. He was one of my husbands best friends.

So much has happened with my husband because of his death. How can a death be a good thing? In this case it has actually sparked the friendship and time he spends with his best friends and it warms my heart to see.

Seriously though each day and every breath seems to revolve around what has to be done, who I need to email, who I need to call, what prizes we have, what prizes have been told to me but I haven’t gotten a list yet and what golfers we have and don’t have and what info we have and don’t have and the list just keeps on going.

Even though there are times I am frustrated and want to pull my hair out (and my friends are very aware of this!) I have to admit it has been enjoyable. I had not realized how much I missed doing this kind of things. It isn’t really how I would have done it myself but helping with the organization and everything else has been fantastic!

Baby Monkey has been sick as well so lately I have been just exhausted. My eyes are burning from morning to the time I close my eyes at night and then again when I am woken up in the middle of the night by the baby.

Here is a very brief update on everyone….

Me – well I have been neglecting the house, taking care of the children, neglecting the laundry and working a full-time plus job with the golf outing.

Jack in the Box – well he has been working his full-time job but his hours are starting to get cut. So I am a little worried about that actually but I have to remember that God is in control. Then on top of that when he has days off lately 90% of his off time is working on the golf outing. Although he does take time for friends.

Oldest Monkey – we have had to make the hard choice to not allow him here right now. He has to get right with himself and get on medication. When he shows up things go missing, credit cards get maxed out, money goes missing and so much more. He showed up once since we attempted to tell him and I gave him his mail and shut the door. I love him with all my heart but his actions are costing us in way to many ways. He probably doesn’t feel loved right now but I don’t know what else to do. The last I knew he was living on the streets.

Middle Monkey – he has been doing okay. Emotionally he seems to be doing well. We have had a bit of an attitude from time to time, mainly after coming back from being with the Ex. He has been pretty good though with doing his chores and helping and not complaining so that is a huge step. Although this fall when we get back to school we might have to consider finding a tutor because he is really struggling with a few subjects and I want to get him on the right path before high school.

Youngest Monkey – she has been an emotional roller coaster. Man I have no idea how the teen years are going to be. You tell her no and she has a meltdown. She doesn’t get exactly what she wants when she wants it and she has a meltdown. She is however very excited about school this fall. Three half days of her getting out of the house and learning and being away from mommy. She also is loving her Sunday classes at church. It is so awesome to watch her come out of her shell. Although once she is out of her shell she is a bit wild which could result in many trips to school because of her!

Baby Monkey – he is growing like a weed and yes I know how quickly weeds grow (our freshly redone front yard is nothing but weeds). He is 14.5 months old now but he still isn’t walking. I am starting to understand what he wants more with his speech and gestures. He is very funny actually. His facial expressions are hilarious! He has been a very big joy in our lives. He is very laid back and at times I need the reminder that it is okay to be laid back! Although since starting to eat real food he isn’t so thrilled with eating. He would much rather just drink milk and juice.
We did go on vacation this summer. It was a two-day all out expensive trip to Chicago. We put ourselves back in debt on this trip and for me it is very depressing. And since being back we have had a few things go wrong and it has put us even more in debt. I am reminded though by a friend how important it was to go on this trip with the children and he is right. It is just sad to see that our emergency credit card – is over 1/2 way maxed currently. It is going to take forever to get paid off – again!

Well this wasn’t a huge update but it was an update. There is so much more I could write about and say but for now – I bid you goodnight!

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Am I Still Here?

June 29, 2012 at 8:07 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , ,


I must be since this post is being written.

I have been in such a struggle lately with my emotions. I am up, down, angry, happy and seriously everything in between! It has been 100% crazy.

I have been doing a lot of thinking though. And this blog is going to have nothing to do with how I have or haven’t been doing.

There is a new movie that is coming out tonight. 99% of my friends are talking about it and are going to see it and are thrilled it is going to be out.

It is called “Magic Mike”.

Now I am not going to go and see it. I have no desire to go and see it. It has piqued my curiosity but the reality is I won’t see it. From what I have seen for previews – it is about a bunch of male strippers.

I myself have changed. I am not prefect. I sin on a daily basis but there are certain things I hold myself to higher than others (which is stupid – I should hold myself higher on all accounts). My ex was involved with porn and I used to struggle with it.

I do not need or want to go down that road again!

I am a Christian and even though there are many, many, many, many things I struggle with – this is not one I will accept. I would not accept my current husband to deal with, look at or even have the slightest inclination of wanting anything to do with porn – so why would I allow myself to?!

If you are a Christian and you plan on going to see this movie – I am asking that you stop, pray to God and ask Him if it is really the right thing for you to do.

Blessings to all!

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I Need To Strive To Be A Better Christian

June 16, 2012 at 10:06 AM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


I do not know if this makes me a bad Christian or not. I guess in the grand scheme of things I am not a “bad” Christian I am just in a struggle with being a “good” one right now.

I am supposed to love my enemies. And you know what for the most part I do fairly well at that one. A good example would be my Ex. Even though he put us through a 4.5 year divorce and fought everything and in the end lost everything. Even though anytime I attempt to work with him he goes into fits of craziness. Anytime I give him a medical bill he blows up and tells me to basically go screw myself. I still am generous and nice and willing to work with him to help him. I have bought him coffee and at holidays given him treats to take with him and other little things.

Seriously for those who really know me and know what I went through it probably makes them wonder about my sanity. As a matter of fact Jack in the Box seriously does not understand why or how.

The thing is though for me – the person I am – I can’t be angry or mad or hold a grudge in this way because it only hurts me.

And yet then I get to my Oldest Monkey and seeing him infuriates me. Each time he comes around my stress level instantly goes up.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. I seriously want to tell him to go away and don’t come back until he has changed but I am pretty sure that isn’t in me either.

He gives out our address to people he is selling things to. I got so mad yesterday at him. I was furious and I still am.

He comes to the house and eats a little when people are around so there is some left over for other. But the minute everyone’s back is turned he stuffs himself and there is nothing left.

I don’t have a ton of money. As a matter of fact this past week we were very negative. So much so that when Jack in the Box got his paycheck – we truly have right around $100 to make it over the next two weeks (let me say that this is with me paying our bills). It was all my fault honestly. We had an outstanding bill I totally forgot about (new meds and memory issues but still my fault) and then I went and did some grocery shopping to get us through the week – which left us negative.

Anyway I attempt to leave a few sweet treats in the house for when Youngest Monkey does the things she is supposed to do. I know I should not be rewarding her with treats but there are just some things that are such a struggle that when she does a really good job she gets one. Her favorite treat right now is mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches. Brand new box with 3 missing out of it. Went in the freezer last night to get her one and there was ONE left!

I was so pissed off.

The thing is he lies about it. He sneaks and thinks no one knows.

He shows up today because he is selling something on craigslist and gives my address out. Don’t even get me started on how much I blew up about that one (just goes right along with how he gives our address out to those in jail and prison). I was in the yard getting the sprinkler set up for watering and asked him to go and grab me one of the ant bait traps on the table. He gets outside and I say can you throw it to me. He throws it to me and it pops apart. But he had taken the pins out and already punctured it so the bait went all over.

I said why did you take the pins out and why did you open it and he looks at me and says, “It came out of the box that way.”

I have already used them so I know how they come out of the box and it isn’t punctured! I was just so angry. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is the truth. NOTHING.

I read something on facebook the other day that just totally sums it all up:

“I’m not upset you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you anymore.”

That is what it comes down to. And the thing is I am beyond the upset part. Now it just pisses me off that he lies and doesn’t understand why no one believes him! And he argues with you over it being “the truth”.

Seriously this is where I need to strive to be a better Christian. I can forgive a man who put me through hell and still does on a regular basis and yet my Oldest Monkey gets near me and I am on the edge and can’t get off it.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t trust the Ex just like I don’t trust the Oldest Monkey. But I have found forgiveness and kindness that I give out toward the Ex. Why can’t I find that same compassion toward my own son?

I do try. I invite him over for dinner. I offer him work so he can earn money (although that has happened in a while). He has no place to go so he sits at my house for hours on end.

So where is it going wrong?

I guess it is going wrong where he is around to long or he opens his mouth and lies about it. That is where it goes wrong. I am fine until he sneaks food. I am fine until he lies to us. I am fine until he gives our address out. I am fine until he just walks in like he owns the place.

I kind of blew up last night and the thing is I am not really sorry about it. I am sorry that he was hurt by what I said but it didn’t change a thing. He did not ask to use the computer. He did not ask if he could give the address out. He did not ask if he could take the leftovers. He just kept on doing what he was doing.Then follow up with starting by lying first thing this morning when he gets here.

So how do I be a better Christian in this situation? I really do not know but I need to figure it out.

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Trust – Take Two

April 24, 2012 at 10:19 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Do you know what trust actually means? Or do you just say things like once trust is broken you can’t get it back or it will never be the same?

Trust as defined by Merrian-Webster:

a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b. one in which confidence is placed

My Middle Monkey spent this past weekend with his father. It always leads to unknown issues and comments and behaviors (Thank You Ex!). Anyway he came home from school yesterday and I wanted to scream after the conversation we had. I felt like I was in the room having a fight with his dad from right before I left him. It was so weird but proved what I have been feeling.

Let me go back a bit. On Friday I got a notice about my Middle Monkey’s final grades for the semester and I was not happy. He had a D in one class and a F in another. He knows the rules. The actual grade doesn’t matter – if you are giving it your all and turning everything in you are okay – if you are failing or getting below a C and you’re not giving it your all and you’re not turning everything in then there is no computer, video games, TV or iPod.

I as a person who struggled in school know what it is like to not do well in classes and have other disappointed in you. I used to work so hard on things and do horrible. Especially on tests, you could count on me doing horrible on testing and if I was doing well there went the grade for that class! So I do understand and I am okay with him doing not so well in a class if he is giving it his all.

So his D I am okay with because every assignment was turned in and he was getting an A – until the last test. The last test was 5 questions and he got 2 right so there went the grade. Fine I am okay with that! I understand.

Then in the other class – All but one assignment was missing! Seriously! I was upset. And I told him that and told him he was done with electronics until his grades reflected him showing effort. He did explain that they were in groups and the teacher came through and was supposed to pick up the papers but didn’t grab him and then he forgot to turn them in before leaving and then turned around and turned them in that day.

So now fast-forward to yesterday. Grades were not updated and he says to me, “It feels as if you don’t trust me.” and it isn’t about trusting him – it is about the computer reflecting and showing me what he is doing. We kind of went round and round and I said finally, “Middle Monkey this isn’t about trusting you or not trusting you. You admitted to her not taking them and you not turning them in until the day grades were posted.” and his response was, “I can’t believe you trust a computer and non-updated grades over me your own son!”

Now let’s go back in time and the Ex and I were in a fight over something that came about because of a business trip he was on (porn usage and me having proof it was porn) and his words were, “I can’t believe you trust someone you don’t even know and a computer over your own husband!”

Wow – I felt as if I stepped back in time and was having the conversation with my Ex all over again. Which does go to confirm how much he influences Middle Monkey and in all the wrong ways.

When thinking about this blog and what I wanted to say I came across something that said this:
Trust is like glass. Once broken it can be put
back together but it will never be the same.

That really is true because you can rebuild trust but it is never going to be the same.

So that made me start to think about who I really trust.

There are certain levels of trust for me. And honestly the only person I trust fully is Jesus.

Then that got me thinking – I fall daily. I sin daily. I have to ask for forgiveness daily. He loves me the way I am. Yes He wants me to grow and become more Christ-like.

But I am certain He doesn’t trust me because He knows me. He knows I am going to make choices I shouldn’t make. He knows I am going to sin even when I know I am doing wrong. And I really believe He doesn’t trust me but He still loves me.

I am forgiven. I am loved. Trust is hard thing. I do not believe God trusts me because He knows me!

Trust is a hard thing. When someone breaks my trust I attempt to give them a second chance. Because I know that whatever they have done is a sin and sin is forgiven – if asked. So if they apologize and attempt to make amends I try to go forward as well. But there are points where you have to say the trust is broken beyond repair. You still forgiven them but you move on with a lack of trust.

Would God do that? If I broke His trust would He step away, forgive me when I ask, and then walk away from me?

I am not really sure if I am making much sense but since we are supposed to be more Christ-like where do we draw the line when trust is broken?

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It Is Almost That Time

December 16, 2011 at 11:09 AM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,


It is almost Christmas time and I have been attempting to post for a while now.

I seem to start posts and then something happens and they never get finished. At least I have some drafts going for when the world slows down.

Life has been crazy for a time. When we get to this time of the year things are crazy. We are dealing with (okay so I get to deal with) the Ex and the Oldest Monkey who really doesn’t have a clue.

I try to be flexible with people. I try to understand. And all it ever does is just turn around and bite me in the buns in the end.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying. I have been realizing I have a lot I need to change. It is all good and it will all be good in the end! God is good all the time – it is me who isn’t good all the time!

Taking it to Him is the only way to go in these times! The time of frustration for me!

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Day Fourteen

November 14, 2011 at 7:16 PM · Filed under Thirty Days of Thanksgiving and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,


Today I am thankful for my ability to care.

I have an Ex. I should not feel sorry but him but I do. I feel sorry for him going through this illness alone. I feel sorry for him about a lot of things. It is what it is and not a lot of people understand how in the world I can feel for him.

I pray for him. I pray that God works in Him.

It isn’t easy and there are times where I still can’t believe all he put this family through over the past few years but I still feel sorry for him.

He thinks he is above the law. He thinks nothing can or will be done to him.

He is a narcissistic person and that I feel very sorry for. I feel sorry for the fact he thinks everyone wants to fight with him all the time when he isn’t getting his way.

It gets to be very tiring dealing with him. Most days when I see him send me a message in email it makes me cringe because I know that my response isn’t going to be what he wants to hear. Then that results in I am not going to fight with you and so on.

I am thankful that I am able to feel for him because it helps me forgive him and it helps me feel sorry for what he goes through.

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Day Eight

November 8, 2011 at 2:32 PM · Filed under Thirty Days of Thanksgiving and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


(Let’s see if today I can remember to hit PUBLISH!)

Today I am thankful for forgiveness.

This goes both ways. I am thankful that I am forgiven and I am thankful that I am able to forgive!

Forgiveness is not easy to do. For anyone on this planet who is in the flesh.

We all sin but so often when others hurt us, do things to hurt those we love, or are just cruel in general – we refuse to forgive them.

I know I sin. I know I have to ask for forgiveness often from Him! I know I ask for it for things I don’t even know I am doing. I know I ask for it for things I know I am doing. I know I ask for help so I don’t have to ask for it all the time!

But I seem to be able to forgive people really easy. I mean it doesn’t take away what they did. It doesn’t mean they don’t have to pay the consequences for what they did. It doesn’t mean I have these people in my life. Does not mean I must have an intimate relationship with them.

But God does tell us we need to forgive those just like He forgives us so that He can forgive us. God tells us we have to pray for our enemies.

There is a guy who is currently in the news. He is being charged with child abuse – broke a babies leg, arm, ribs, etc. Then there is also  the national story about the Penn St. coach who has allegedly abused those boys.

Jack in the Box said something about how all these people don’t even deserve hell and if anyone every did that to one of his children he would be the judge, jury, executioner. I snapped back with that is awesome so not only would you sit by and watch your child suffer you would take yourself out of their life by going to jail and making it worse. Perfect.

I know it isn’t easy to not want a person who does that dead. Knowing Oldest Monkey’s paternal grandfather is a sexual abuser. Even having to be around him turned my stomach. Then when I found out Oldest Monkey had been abused, made to abuse – I wanted that man dead.

But when you don’t forgive someone it doesn’t hurt them. All it does it let this bitterness, anger and resentment build up inside of you. It just lets you suffer by not forgiving. Those around you feel your unforgiveness. Not those who hurt you or a loved one. You not forgiving them does not affect them the way it affects the person holding onto it.

It took a lot for me to forgive Oldest Monkey’s paternal grandfather. At least currently I know he can’t hurt children because he is in a nursing home. It doesn’t mean he isn’t attempting to hurt others his age but he can’t hurt children (not sure that is coming out right or not).

It took a lot for me to forgive the Ex and what he put us through for those years with the divorce. There are still times when I need to forgive him for being stupid over and over. Like this past time when he didn’t take Middle Monkey to the doctors. The fact that Middle Monkey could have just had bronchitis instead of pneumonia at the time infuriated me but the truth is this is just who he is.

Am I insane? I mean when I mention this to others I am kind of looked at like I am completely crazy. Like how can you even begin to forgive for things like that.

The truth of the matter is if I don’t then I am the only one paying. Those around me pay for me not being able to forgive. I turn into this bitter, heartless, angry being who hurts those around me. Then I need to be asking forgiveness instead of given forgiveness.

I know forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. I know it isn’t as if someone does you wrong and you can just go, “Oh I forgiven you. Let’s be best buds”. I also know it can take days, weeks, months, years to get to the point of forgiveness but I know it is really needed for me to truly be forgiven by Him.

I mean (you might think I am crazy with this but here goes) the Ex is back in town at his old house full-time. Him and his girlfriend were not working out and he moved back home. I seriously feel sorry for him. He is going through a terrible illness. Whether it is something he is going to die from or whether he is just going through this misery and pain, either way – it is a terrible thing to have to deal with alone. I feel sorry for him. Yes he treated me like crap. Yes he crapped on me for years during the divorce and tried to make me out to be this horrible person. Yes he still tries to get his way and be the crude out of me in emails and tries to twist the truth. Yes it is hard to even want to see him when he picks up Adam. But I feel sorry for him having to go through alone.

But even with all these horrible things going on in this world. All these bad things happening to me and to those I love I still find a way to forgive and pray for those.

I am certain that some of these people do not pray for me and there are times I have to check my attitude when I am communicating with some of these people. Which most of my friends know since I tend to run all communication through email by them before sending it (thanks to those who are tolerable!). It isn’t easy for me to pray for these people all the time and it isn’t always easy to forgive but for me I know I have to do it because I am forgiven for all I do wrong!

Today I am truly thankful for forgiveness!

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