Lovin and Living
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)Archive for Tattoo
New School Year
Where has this summer gone? We had a roller coaster of a ride with ups and downs.
We did manage to accomplish some of the things on the “list” though so that was a nice reward.
This summer we:
Lost our sweet bocker puppy
Finally got all of the baby and small-clothes out of the basement
Went to the zoo as a family
Had a garage sale
Welcomed a new puppy; a morkie to the family
Got out of the city and camped for a week
Made some serious decisions about our financial state
Got closer to having the Baby Monkey fully potty trained
Almost made it a full summer with getting along with The Ex
Ran our first 5k as a FAMILY
Got the Youngest Monkey and Baby Monkey to eat better food
Working through a Bible Study with friends; and it is life changing!
Only missed church two times
Watched the Oldest Monkey move to another state
Found out our niece is expecting
Did some reveal photographs for my niece and her fiance
Let our flower gardens (three) turn into weed gardens
Made a homemade carrot cake (it was so moist and yummy)
Learned more about Young Living Oils and how they can help our family
Discovered a new coffee flavor (that I love)
Went on walks together
Played soccer together
Accepted that I am a sinner, I will never be perfect and God loves me anyway
Figured out what my tattoo is going to be (have had an idea for 3 years but never firm on words)
Never took pain meds or allergy meds (thank you Young Living Oils)
Got amazing deals at Goodwill for school clothing (Thank you Lord)
Made some decisions about our health
We had a really busy summer and that list is only part of what we did. We have been blessed this year. Well the truth is we are always blessed because we believe in the Trinity, it is just that sometimes we forget and don’t always see it.
We have had a busy summer. Jack in the Box had been working at the same place for a year now (even though it began it was through a temp service).
We are starting the school year and we have:
Baby Monkey who is going two half days a week for speech
Youngest Monkey who is going into first grade
Middle Monkey who is going to be a sophomore
Oldest Monkey who is working in another state
I can’t believe that all my Monkey’s are growing up and in school or working. Where has time gone? Cherish your moments and times because they fly by faster than you could ever imagine (I remember when I was a child time took forever to pass by and now I can’t get it to go slow enough).
God Love’s Me
We are reading a book in Bible study called “The Christian Atheist” by Craig Groeschel. We were to read Chapter 3 for this week. It is called, “When You Believe in God but Aren’t Sure He Loves You”
This has been in a couple other books we have read as well. Well not exactly this but my favorite lesson from this book has been in other books we have read.
No matter what you do God will love you no more. No matter what you do God will love you no less.
Love is not something God does. God is love.
Wow – just take in those words for a moment. Just take in what that really means!
My sin does not define the love that He has for me! I am not my sin! I am not a bad person.
I can make mistakes. I can ask for forgiveness. I can move on and not live in the past. All because God sent His only son to this earth for me and for you and for the guy down the street.
No matter what we have done in this world we have the ability to ask for forgiveness and to move forward.
I was thinking about the man who went through our town and killed those 7 people. His wife, his daughter, his in-laws, his ex, his ex’s sister and her daughter and then taking his own life.
We all sin. Even when we become new (2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!) we still sin. We all are to strive to live the way Christ has instructed us to do but there are things we will do that will be sins.
This man who went on this rampage was coming to Celebrate Recovery at our church. He was praying with people there. He was opening up about his struggles. He was becoming a new person. But yet he got depressed, did drugs he had never done before and lost it. And yet even with all of these horrible things he did to others and to himself God still loves him.
That man isn’t what he did. Yes those still alive have a long road on this recovery path. Yes there will never be answers as to what really went on inside of him. Yes so many are still hurting because of what he did and yet even with all he did God loves him.
I have been thinking about getting another tattoo. Do I need it – no I don’t. Are they painful – yup you bet they are. But I have been thinking about getting something that reminds me of Him. When I am struggling. When I am feeling alone. When I am feeling like no one can love me the way I am. When I am dealing with my demons and slipping into the path of sin. I think after reading this chapter I may know what I am getting.
A one petal daisy.
He was talking about how all little girls play the flower game. We all pluck off the petals, and we all start with, “He loves me”, and keep on going between, “He loves me.” and, “He loves me not.” – Well with God the flowers in that garden would all have one petal because there is nothing other than, “HE LOVES ME!”
What an amazing visual that is!
A lot of times just like so many others in this world we wonder how could God ever love a person like me. One who has sinned like I have. But we all sin. So many of us feel this way and so many of us so nothing.
For a very long time I used to equate what I have done, what I currently do with who I am as a person and with how could anyone love this.
But He does love me. He knows me. I am His child. I am loved. There is only one petal on that flower and there is nowhere to go other than, “He loves me.”
Be Still
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Be still – I have a friend who got that tattoo a couple of weeks ago on the inside of her wrist. So that when the world is in chaos around here she can look down and remember to “Be still and know that I am God”.
My life has been in utter chaos lately. It seems every time I turn around somethings more is happening.
Financially we are struggling; which really isn’t anything new. My Oldest Monkey has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me or the family ever again. And if I was wondering who pushed him away it was me, my dad and my sister. I am in a depression which is making my life very difficult currently.
Oldest Monkey sent me a text yesterday. Asking if he stopped by do he could get all of the money I put away for him for college. I replied with there is none. There isn’t any at this time. I had opened an account with some child support money. It was similar to a 401k and it is based upon the market. Well when the market crashed – so did his funds. We had this talk about 3 years ago that all that was there isn’t anymore. In his mind our conversation consisted of me telling him I would remove the money if he dropped out of school and spend it on myself. Well that would be great but ummm there isn’t any to spend on myself. Sure would be nice if I had money to spend on myself. After about ten minutes he let me know that it was the last time I would ever hear from him. I told him that is his choice as an adult. I will always love him and be here. Be safe and Love always – mom. So preparing for the rest of my life without hearing from him is hard to do. It doesn’t mean I really won’t hear from him for the rest of my life or his but it truly could mean that. So I have said good-bye and I am praying because it is all I have left to do.
I went grocery shopping and spent money for the next week or more (hoping to spread it out). Left us with $35 for the week until the next check comes in. Was hopeful we would be okay but then realized that this week I have two appointments – two appointments which are going to cost me to get there and two appointments that are going to cost me to walk in the door. Two appointments I can’t afford to miss. I have pushed the one-off for a while now. I have some moles that really need to be checked out. I have put it off for about a year now and in that time 3 other family members have been diagnosed with skin cancer because of moles. So I have decided I probably really should go and get them checked out. The other one is for my PDoc. I really can’t afford to miss that because I am struggling so badly emotionally.
Oh my the depression today has been awful. Jack in the Box took today off so he could go visit his best friend. His neighborhood has a “block” party every year on Saturday during Labor Day weekend. I really didn’t want to go. Honestly I didn’t want him to go. It is about 2 hours away. With the lack of funds I didn’t want him going. But I always know he hasn’t seen him in almost a year now. I didn’t want to prevent him from seeing his friend. They truly wanted me to come as well but I didn’t want to go. I went a couple of years ago and hated it. Jack in the Box has gone to this for the past 20 years! He knows everyone there. He talks and socialized. He plays in the horseshoe tournament. He drinks and has fun. I sat alone most of the day we were there and didn’t have any fun. Now this time I have Baby Monkey who can’t be out in the sun. I have Youngest Monkey who would need to be chased. I would again spend most of the day by myself but instead of being in my comfort zone taking care of two children I would be in a place that isn’t my own. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Then this morning I completely lost it. I couldn’t stop crying. I hate that we have so little time to spend with each other. When he does work he is at work for 12+ hours a day. When he is home he can’t just sit and most of the time he leaves just to get out of here. Now here is day he has off and he is leaving. Of course I encourage him to go when I really didn’t want him to go but I don’t want to be the reason he is miserable. I want him to see his friends. I want him to enjoy life. I just struggle with it. I struggle with depression and because I struggle with this emotion I tend to just push him away and then sit in silence and be miserable. But the truth really is why keep him around so he can see how sad I am on those days and then he feels obligated to try to make it better. You can’t make it better.
So today he went to his best friends and he took Middle Monkey. He was getting ready to leave and asked if I would answer his calls and I said no. I said no because hearing him makes how I am feeling worse and him talking to me when I am down like this makes him feel guilty. So I haven’t talked to him all day. This is the first day in almost 5 years that I haven’t talked to him or even gotten a text from him. It is my own fault but to not even get a text – makes me feel worse. At the same time though at least he isn’t feeling guilty.
So many things have been going on inside of me and so many things have been going on in my life. It has been a really big struggle in this world for me right now. So I have to remind myself to
BE STILL
Lovin and Living 