Archive for Oldest Monkey
December 31, 2014 at 11:59 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: 2014, 2015, 30's, 42 Months, Amazing Gifts, Baby, Baby Monkey, Best Friends, Bible, Bible Study, Camping, Church Family, Crazy Ride, Debt Settlement, Doctors, Employment, Faith, Family, Fiance, Fibrymyalgia, First 5k Race, Friends, Gastrointestinal Flu, God, God Loves Me, Goodbye, Gym, He always has, He always will, Home, IgA, IgG, IgM, Insurance, Jack in the Box, Job, Lord, Middle Monkey, Monkey's, Never To Late, New Years Eve, Niece, NYE, Oldest Monkey, Pastor, Shingles, Sisters, State, Thank God, Thanksgiving, Wednesday, Working Out, WTE Mama's, YLEO, Young LIving Essential Oils, Youngest Monkey
It has been a crazy ride this year. Just like most people there have been some good things and some bad things.
Jack in the Box has been with his current employer for a year now! Praise the good Lord for this amazing blessing.
We started a debt settlement program and even though it is going to take us 42 months to get through it, we have been blessed and we will be credit card free in 42 months. It isn’t the way I had hoped it would be but God works in ways I have zero knowledge of and I have to just trust in Him and His nudges.
I started a Bible study with 3 friends. Not only are they still friends, they have turned into best friends and sisters. I am never going to be the same and the changes and relationships are fabulous! Thank you God for this amazing gift.
A friend moved home. It has been a welcomed person missing from life.
I said good-bye to one of our puppies. That was really hard.
We welcomed a new puppy into our family.
We went camping as a family for the first time since Baby Monkey was born. It was a bitter-sweet trip because I was sick and miserable but everyone had a lot of fun.
We had some insurance issues, still do. But we have insurance.
We have a very low-key New Years Eve. Just four of us in the house tonight to bring in the new year. Two of the four are already asleep.
I ran in my first 5k race. It wasn’t exactly how I was hoping it would go but I adjusted my expectations and I did make those goals. I was proud of myself because exercise at times is really rough! And I had a goal to be in a 5k race prior to turning 40 and I did it. It is never to late!
We just made the last payment on Middle Monkey’s trip. We still have some things we need funds for but the main part is paid for currently.
Jack in the Box and I have joined a gym and it is a nice place to go.
We found out our niece is expecting a baby. While this isn’t the best time for her to have a baby (she is young), God knew this baby was going to be coming. I have been able to talk to her, help her, help her fiance, talk to him and let them know it will be okay if they decide to keep the baby (which they have decided). And I was also able to do some photos for them, which was super fun!
I am in my last year of my 30’s. Not that it means much because we won’t be doing anything but it will be nice to be moving into a new age group. I am hoping that it will add a new wisdom to me in my journey!
We have lived in our home for almost 5 years now! Wow, where has the time gone.
I had an outbreak of shingles.
We had the gastrointestinal flu over Thanksgiving.
I started new medication for my “fibromyalgia” (I had that diagnosis. I feel it is a copout for when Dr.’s have no clue and throw their hands in the air and say, “Not sure so you have pain, fibro it is.”)
I have been using Young Living Essential Oils for a year consistently. Talk about an amazing blessing in our life! We still get sick but with watching my IgA,G,M – we see it is making a huge difference and my GP is encouraging me to continue. Interested in what it can do for you? Leave a comment because I LOVE to talk about YLEO!
I rediscovered my creative side and the monkey’s and I made our Christmas gifts and it was fabulous!
Oldest Monkey moved in July and we haven’t seen him since. He moved out-of-state and is living with his fiance.
I have truly as a person grown and changed for the better and the Lord is my light and guide and I am so unbelievable grateful for all He has done for me and where it has taken me.
And over the past year, through the good and bad there are some things I am forever grateful for. My church family, my Wednesday morning Bible study, my Monkey’s, my Jack in the Box, my family, my doctors, my faith, my Pastor, my Wednesday night Bible study, my knowledge that God loves me; He always has; He always will, my WTE mama’s, and my friends who I have never met but know me better than those people in my life here (you know who you are).
May each and every one of you have an amazing New Years Eve with whatever you are doing and may each of you have the most blessed 2015!
September 1, 2014 at 1:13 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: 5k, Baby Monkey, Basement, Bible Study, Bocker, Camped, Carrot Cake, Cherish, Church, Family, First Grade, Flower, Friends, Garden, God, Goodwill, Health, Homemade, Lord, Meds, Middle Monkey, Morkie, Niece, Oldest Monkey, Perfect, Photography, Potty Trained, School, School Clothing, Sinner, Soccer, Sophomore, Speech, Tattoo, Thank You, The Ex, Trinity, Walks, YLEO, Young LIving Essential Oils, Youngest Monkey, Zoo
Where has this summer gone? We had a roller coaster of a ride with ups and downs.
We did manage to accomplish some of the things on the “list” though so that was a nice reward.
This summer we:
Lost our sweet bocker puppy
Finally got all of the baby and small-clothes out of the basement
Went to the zoo as a family
Had a garage sale
Welcomed a new puppy; a morkie to the family
Got out of the city and camped for a week
Made some serious decisions about our financial state
Got closer to having the Baby Monkey fully potty trained
Almost made it a full summer with getting along with The Ex
Ran our first 5k as a FAMILY
Got the Youngest Monkey and Baby Monkey to eat better food
Working through a Bible Study with friends; and it is life changing!
Only missed church two times
Watched the Oldest Monkey move to another state
Found out our niece is expecting
Did some reveal photographs for my niece and her fiance
Let our flower gardens (three) turn into weed gardens
Made a homemade carrot cake (it was so moist and yummy)
Learned more about Young Living Oils and how they can help our family
Discovered a new coffee flavor (that I love)
Went on walks together
Played soccer together
Accepted that I am a sinner, I will never be perfect and God loves me anyway
Figured out what my tattoo is going to be (have had an idea for 3 years but never firm on words)
Never took pain meds or allergy meds (thank you Young Living Oils)
Got amazing deals at Goodwill for school clothing (Thank you Lord)
Made some decisions about our health
We had a really busy summer and that list is only part of what we did. We have been blessed this year. Well the truth is we are always blessed because we believe in the Trinity, it is just that sometimes we forget and don’t always see it.
We have had a busy summer. Jack in the Box had been working at the same place for a year now (even though it began it was through a temp service).
We are starting the school year and we have:
Baby Monkey who is going two half days a week for speech
Youngest Monkey who is going into first grade
Middle Monkey who is going to be a sophomore
Oldest Monkey who is working in another state
I can’t believe that all my Monkey’s are growing up and in school or working. Where has time gone? Cherish your moments and times because they fly by faster than you could ever imagine (I remember when I was a child time took forever to pass by and now I can’t get it to go slow enough).
May 27, 2014 at 11:02 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Alcoholic, Bipolar, Crying, Cutting, Distraught, EMT, ER, Facebook, Fire Department, God, Manipulator, ME, Mental Health Hospital, Middle Monkey, Monkey's, Oldest Monkey, Oldest Monkey's GF, Pain Meds, Police, Rabbit Hole, Self Medicating, Sexaholic, Suicide, Walmart
Trying to come up with words for this has been really hard. I know exactly what I want to talk about. I know exactly what point I wanted to get across and yet I am struggling to get the words out.
Back up a while ago. My Oldest Monkey packed up and moved out, without warning, without words, without talking and in the middle of the night. I was angry about it, very angry. But stepping back and looking I am not sure if I really had a right to be angry because I had done something similar to my parents.
I still had not fully gotten over all that had gone on. The moving out, the sticking us with a phone bill again, and just watching his life go down the drain.
Last week around 11 PM I got a phone call from the local sheriffs dispatch telling me that Oldest Monkey was on the phone and needed to tell me something. I could not understand a single thing that was coming out of his mouth. He was crying and distraught and there was no way for me to figure out what was going on. So the dispatcher told me that he had gotten home and he found his girlfriend cold and non-responsive and he needed someone there for him.
In a whirlwind I jumped out of bed, threw on whatever I could find on the way out of the house, got my Middle Monkey upstairs in case the two other Monkey’s woke up and ran out the door. Seriously when I realized what I had on, I felt as if I should be walking into Walmart in the middle of the night and put on Facebook with one of those stupid posts!
By the time I got to the apartment there were police, EMT and the fire department and Oldest Monkey was sitting outside. We were stuck outside the apartment until about 2 AM and then we were finally let go from the apartment at about 3 AM.
The next couple of days were just a whirlwind of family and friends and moving things and my anxiety going through the roof (I am an introvert and that doesn’t mean I can’t socialize and be nice and polite and around others; it just means doing so drains me in a really big way). So dealing with police and the medical examiner and the victims service unit and friends all one night and then everyone else the next couple of days made me feel like I could curl up, sleep and not get up for days. I am still not recovered from being around everyone.
But in that time (and here comes the hardest part of this post) I saw what my life could have been and only by the grace of God my life isn’t what I saw around me. I am bipolar and I have admitted that before but what I haven’t admitted is what my life was like being unmedicated with medication and self-medicating with other things and bipolar.
If I had not been allergic to pain meds I would have been addicted to them. I was a cutter. I was a sexaholic. I was a drinker. I was a manipulator. I attempted suicide more than a few times. I was a monster in every aspect that you could be.
I used to cut my arms, legs, stomach so I would bleed so I knew I was alive.
I have had sex with so many people, that I lost count at 50.
I would drink until I threw up and then start over again.
I was a master manipulator, about anything and everything.
I spent time in a mental health hospital and while there, while getting better, had sex with another patient (monitoring needed to be better and still does from the letter I read that my Oldest Monkey’s girlfriend kept from a guy in there).
I spent a lot of time in the ER because of overdosing on pills and alcohol (let me just say it is a miracle that I love cooking on charcoal as much as I do with as much as I had to puke that crap up).
She committed suicide and my Oldest Monkey found her. Listening to the stories the next day from her family and friends; I felt as if I was reliving a time in my life. It really was a flash into what the outcome of my life would have been had God not gotten ahold of me, shook me and woke me up and had I not listened to Him.
Like I said it was His grace that saved me. I had always gone to church growing up so it wasn’t as if I didn’t know who God was. But I had walked away from Him and He let me. He let me go down that rabbit hole. He let me continue to spiral because He gives us free will. I have no doubts that He reached out to me so many times I can’t even count them but I always turned away.
I saw what my life would have been like (well other than the fact that everyone really did care about her and believed she had a mental health issue that needed to be addressed; I didn’t have that in my life) if I had not reached up and taken His hand that last time.
I would have succeeded. I would have killed myself. Someone would have found me. I would have left 2 Monkey’s without a mother. I would never have known my 2 youngest Monkey’s. I never would have had my Jack in the Box. I never would have known real love. I would have missed out on a lot of things. The love of my church family. The friends I have made there. Getting into a real relationship with Him.
Even though I am not that person anymore this weekend brought up a lot of memories and heartaches and things I still have not dealt with. This is the first time I have ever truly put out there what my life was; even my Jack in the Box doesn’t really know. For me, it is a very scary place for me to have traveled back to. I was out of control and I am beyond blessed to be alive still.
The biggest question for me now is what do I do with all these memories? Do I actually find someone to work through it all with me or do I go back to stuffing and forgetting? Fear makes you do stupid things and there is no reason I should have fear over my past. God brought me out of those depths and He will still be by me working through it all.
My past life flashing before me wasn’t pleasant but I am proud to say I am no longer that person!
May 7, 2014 at 1:48 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Breaking Point, Brokenhearted, Crushed, Facebook, God, Heartbroken, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Mental Health, Middle Monkey, NIV, Oldest Monkey, Psalm 34:18, Self Medicating, Self-Destruction, Spirit, The Message
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Last night I had the privilege of being about to watch a man speak at a benefit banquet. He said a verse that resonated with me and went deep into my heart and soul and it was Psalm 34:18.
A long time ago I was this horrible child. I caused a lot of pain and heartache to not only my parents but my siblings as well. And then I caused heartache to my Oldest Monkey. And then I continued to cause pain and heartache to myself. I was young. I was self-destructive. I was running from myself and from God. I was self medicating my mental health issue. I might as well have been stuck in a stalled car, with broken doors and locks and unable to escape sitting on the train tracks with the train headed right for the car and myself.
So many times in the last seven years I have been at my breaking point with my Oldest Monkey and just wished things would get better. Wished he would get help. Wished I could save him. Tried to rescue him and tried to save him and make it all better and right. And this year, a week before Easter, in the middle of the night, he moved out without telling anyone. (Talk about a wake up call – I did the same thing to my parents, moved out in the middle of the day when everyone was at work and at school and didn’t tell anyone I was going {and this was the second time I “ran” away from home} – massive sting)
You can not save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I of all people should know this but at the same time, I had hoped Oldest Monkey would listen and have learned from me. Because we really were and are one in the same. So in hindsight it really should not shock me that he isn’t listening or learning.
Oldest Monkey moved out and since that point I have done my best to avoid seeing anything that has to do with him. It isn’t that I don’t love him, it is that watching him self-destruct is breaking my heart. When he moved back home last August I really did have such high hopes and things were going well and he was doing better. And then all of his usual habits showed back up. Of course it all really started to head downhill when he turned 21 years old.
Sometime last week he showed up to get his pills, he had a huge scar on his forehead, a bill showed up from a radiologists a day after that, and then a denial showed up in the mail. So I logged onto his site on facebook and sent him a message (which he read but never responded to). Of course then since I am on his facebook, I decide to scroll through and see if there is anything new and all it does is sadden me even more.
Then there is my Middle Monkey. He no longer believes in God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. It is heartbreaking. I feel sad for him. Sad that he can’t believe in the unseen anymore. He used to have such a strong faith. He used to tell others and make points to others about just because you have seen doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Where did that faithful man go?
I have been thinking about Psalm 34:18 since last night. I was blessed to have been asked to go. I was blessed by the man who spoke and told everyone his favorite Bible verse. I was blessed by God to be in the right spot at the right time and to hear exactly what I needed to hear. And do you want to know how I know it really was Him? Today while scrolling through facebook, someone had posted an article, I opened it and the article closed with:
Psalm 34:18
The Message (MSG)
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
God is amazing when you have a relationship with Him and if you look, listen and pay attention you can hear Him as well!
January 8, 2014 at 9:16 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Calling Out, exhausted, Ignorant, Lies, Oldest Monkey, Stupid
I am so tired of all of it. I have gotten to the point of calling out my Oldest and it is seriously tiring.
What compels someone to lie over stupid crap? Seriously? What makes a person think they need to lie about a phone call? About if they do or don’t get paid? About if they are or aren’t engaged?
All of it is seriously exhausting! I am over all of it. From this point on if I feel he is lying to me, I just call him out and tell him why.
I AM NOT STUPID and I AM NOT IGNORANT!
He isn’t going to like me very much because I am done with the lies.
January 7, 2014 at 10:29 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Coping, Credits, Disability, Facebook, GED, Jack in the Box, Job, Lying, Meds, Oldest Monkey
I am doing my best not to totally lose it but it is like watching myself way back when I was a stupid young adult.
Oldest Monkey comes upstairs tonight pissy and takes off out the door because his manager has called and needs to talk to him. Then he comes home and says I called and he said I can come in tomorrow to talk to him but I am getting fired I just know it. And then this whole new story I had never even heard before comes about and it is NOTHING like the story he told when he came home from the interview. So he is lying to me, I just know it. He says something along the lines of well our general manager hired everyone who he interviewed and told us at the interview that in a month he was going to fire half of the staff and start over.
Now just to clarify when he came home from the interview he was super excited, had room to move up because he had experience working with food and customer service before, looking for people who pick things up quickly so they can be a trainer and he went on and on about how excited he was about this job and how much room there was to move forward.
Let’s be a bit realistic: I am in my upper 30’s and I have in my lifetime had a lot of jobs. I was not good at keeping jobs but not once did I ever have a manager say in an interview, “I want to hire you but I plan on letting go half the staff in a month. This is just a trial and so if you take this job you need to know you could be gone.” Cause who in their right mind is going to take that job? No one!
He has been missing most days since just before the new year. And so to be honest Jack in the Box and I have been talking about the fact he probably hasn’t been going to work. There have been many days he had to work and he would spend the night, well who knows where. I can’t say for certain if he has been missing work or if he has been going but more than likely as of tomorrow he doesn’t have a job. Which means guess who is footing the bill for all his crap again. Me… While I know it isn’t my responsibility he is on our phone plan so that has to be paid and I don’t want to damage my credit so….
And want to know the best thing of all? Yesterday was the orientation for the GED program and I am going to bet all of you a million dollars he didn’t go! Anyone wanna bet me that million dollars? I could really use a million dollars right now!
He isn’t capable of working because he refuses to take his meds. There are bipolar people who can work but they take their meds and other things. He doesn’t take his meds, he doesn’t do therapy, he doesn’t figure out how to cope with anything and he just does what he wants. He really needs to find a way to apply for disability but he doesn’t have enough credits earned yet and I am not sure he will.
This was on posted on Facebook and it is so true:
“If you live your life doing whatever feels good at the moment, even though it is wrong, showing no self restraint, you will end up alone and depressed, wondering why. The lies you have to tell will catch you, no one will trust you, your reputation will be in the toilet. Worst of all, the people that tried their best for you, the ones you said you loved, will be destroyed by your actions. Eventually, they won’t even recognize who you’ve become. Any chance you had for a real, meaningful relationship with someone that would take on the world for you will be gone. All because it is what you knew you wanted in the moment. Any idea how many people live this foolishly every day? Both young and old. Throwing it all away… smh…”
Seriously – read those words, take them in, and realize these are some of the truest words that have been spoken.
December 29, 2013 at 10:26 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: @$$, Burning Bridges, Christmas, Family, Loves, Oldest Monkey, Relationship
My Oldest Monkey is the most selfish person I have ever know in my whole flipping life! No JOKE!
We had a family Christmas party tonight and he made up some bullshit excuse as to why he wouldn’t be coming. And then we get home and he makes up another bullshit excuse. I am beyond burnt out with the crap that spews out of his muckin mouth! I am ready to explode from him.
I do my best to step away and let it go but today I was beyond pissed. Ever since his “fiance” or girlfriend or whatever she was broke up with him and blamed him for her cheating, he has been up her @$$ to make things right. He doesn’t get it isn’t his fault. Everyone has choices and she made the wrong one. If she wanted to be with someone else instead of cheating on him she should have broken it off with him.
He is so desperate to be loved that he is doing everything to make it up to her and make things right and to get things back to where they were. Well here is a news flash for you – it will NEVER be the same – EVER! Doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work or can’t work but it does mean that it can’t go back to what was prior to a person cheating on you! It isn’t possible to do. And if you don’t change what was prior then there is no way it will ever be better or different.
But he doesn’t care to hear any of that because he just wants the relationship to work because he loves her soooooooo much.
Two mental people who don’t take the muckin meds and this is where they are because of it. In a really mucked up relationship that won’t get any better because neither of them take their meds the way they are supposed to and two people who want to go back to what was before one of them cheated.
How do you expect that things will be any different if you want back what was (and the excuse was he wasn’t there for her after an accident so that is why she cheated)?
I am at a loss with talking to him, because he doesn’t want to hear it. He just blows up. He throws a fit. He blames everyone else. He is just one huge @$$hole who has no concept of burning bridges of those around you who have bent over backwards to do everything for you.
We left all his gifts at the party and told him if he wanted them, he had to go there on his own.
I am still fuming and it has been over 7 hours!
December 28, 2013 at 10:11 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Brain Power, Eyes, Headache, Heartburn, Holiday, Jack in the Box, Middle Monkey, New Year, Oldest Monkey, Run Down, Sick, Youngest Monkey
We are not sick but I feel run down. I think it is all the holiday running we have been doing.
I have heartburn awful.
My eyes have been having issues again.
My headache has been awful. Which I believe is from the lack of solid sleep. Which I seriously have figured out comes from how many flippin times a night I get up. I set an alarm to make sure Jack in the Box has gotten up for work, I set an alarm to make sure Oldest Monkey gets up for work, I set an alarm to make sure Middle Monkey gets up for school, and I set an alarm to get Youngest Monkey up for school.
I need to lose weight and get my butt exercising again. And I should not wait but honestly, the new year is coming and a new attitude needs to come about. I need a change and I am seriously praying about it. Crazy I know but that is what I am doing.
So much going on and so little brain power to work through any of it.
December 23, 2013 at 8:09 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Best Friend, Christmas, Family, Jack in the Box, Monkey's, Oldest Monkey, Photos, Presents
Today should have been filled with cleaning and cooking and instead it hasn’t gone that way. I have gotten some things done but not nearly as many as I should have. Jack in the Box was going to take the Monkeys away so I could wrap and that didn’t happen.
The photos I ordered should have been in by today and for whatever reason the order isn’t even finished! I got a call later in the day saying some of them were not printing well and so I reordered and they still were not working. So even though the order was complete first thing in the morning, I didn’t get a call until much later in the day and they didn’t even ship today. Sigh… So much for that Christmas present.
My best friend is in town and I don’t even get much time with her. I mean come on I know she has family and other friends but it sucks. I am not mad at her or what is going on because this is the life they live. I just get upset when I know they are here for such a short time and we just don’t get to see each other often. It isn’t always the schedule though either, it is someone else in the family. While I am thrilled things worked out for them, it seems that there is a singular person who did most of the changing and that breaks my heart.
So much to do tomorrow and not a lot of time. Especially when dealing with a lot of crap from the Oldest Monkey. I just want to through my hands up and say Muck it all!
It is going to get better, really it is.
December 10, 2013 at 11:39 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Headaches, Middle Monkey, Migraines, New Years Eve, Oldest Monkey, Stomach Flu, Stomach Issues
I believe we may have the stomach flu at my house. My stomach has been upset all day. My Oldest Monkey came home saying he felt like he was going to throw up but thought it might be because of his headache. My Middle Monkey was complaining of head pain and feeling sick.
Yup let’s get this over with prior to New Years Eve because the last few years have resulted in stomach flu and no fun.
I am praying it is just headaches causing the stomach issues but I don’t have one so what is causing mine?
Going to bed and praying tomorrow is much, much, much better!
Lovin and Living 