Lovin and Living
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)Archive for Bipolar
The Shock Heard Around the World
Please no matter what your opinion is about suicide, I am asking that you please have some respect for Robin Williams’ family and friends. A person has taken his life and in order for a person to do that we can’t possible understand the pain and suffering that he was going through at that moment and what those that are left behind are feeling and dealing with.
Yesterday Jack in the Box wanted to know if the Robin Williams thing was a hoax. I had no idea what he was talking about so started to look. Saw lots of hoaxes online from 2012, 2013, and then saw a new article from 8-11-14 and realized it was no hoax.
Words can not express how this made me feel. I never got to met him but I looked up to him as a person. He was bipolar and he was ADHD and he had made a life for himself. He was funny and I often wondered what was hiding behind his humor; because I do that as well.
I have seen many things. Some calling this act selfish. Some expressing how sorry they are for his family. Some recalling what he meant to them.
The statement from his wife, Susan Schneider: “This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin’s family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin’s death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.” The statement from President Obama about Robin Williams passing:
“Robin Williams was an airman, a doctor, a genie, a nanny, a president, a professor, a bangarang Peter Pan, and everything in between. But he was one of a kind. He arrived in our lives as an alien — but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit. He made us laugh. He made us cry. He gave his immeasurable talent freely and generously to those who needed it most — from our troops stationed abroad to the marginalized on our own streets. The Obama family offers our condolences to Robin’s family, his friends, and everyone who found their voice and their verse thanks to Robin Williams.” The statement from his manager, David Steinberg: “Nobody made the world laugh like Robin Williams. My brother, my friend, my soulmate, I will miss you.”
Depression is real. Depression is scary. It is hard for those who have not suffered from a mental health issue to really understand those depths of despair.
Robin was getting help. Sometimes help isn’t enough. But that does not mean don’t seek it out.
But I still am encouraging anyone who is suffering from any mental health issues to seek out help. Find someone to talk to. Talk to your doctor and try to get on medication. Go seek out a pastor, best friend or support group.
Mental health is real. Mental health does not get enough attention in our country. Mental health isn’t treated the same with health insurance companies. Mental health carries a stigma. Mental health is pushed aside. Mental health is made a joke. Mental health has different degrees of severity. Mental health needs to be seriously addressed and changed so that access is easier for those who need it.
I am bipolar. I am on medication. I have been addicted to self-medicating. I have avoided help. I have sought help out. I have taken meds and stopped because I was “better”. I have been in a mental health hospital for both mania and depression/suicidal thoughts. I was a typical bipolar person until about 9 years ago.
I am praying for each person who was touched by his life! Not only did he have a family and friends, he did touch the world with his movies and his giving and doing. He was a one of a kind, unique person, and he was real. He had struggles and he was willing to admit them.
Please if you are suffering in any way from depression, addiction, mania or any mental health issue; seek out help.
Robin McLaurin Williams
July 21, 1951-August 11, 2014
Headaches
I have been dealing with some whopper of headaches lately.
Because I am on warfarin the med I was using for both my bipolar and my migraines is no longer an option. So I currently just live with my headaches.
It gets really old, really quickly. I was doing so good without having them and I was enjoying life a bit more.
Not that I am not enjoying life but when you have a mild headache from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed and then have the random migraine pop in, enjoying life gets rough.
Medical Nightmare
That is what I am at times. I am a medical nightmare. I seriously feel as if my body hates itself. There are times I have wondered why God allowed me to have so many things wrong with me.
I am bipolar.
I have factor v leiden.
I have endometriosis.
I have interstitial cystitis.
I have irritable bowel syndrome.
I am overweight (my fault).
I have PCOS.
I really do have more but as I am putting all of these things down it is a bit overwhelming for me.
The past couple of days have been really hard on me. Medically speaking I have been having a really rough few days.
So if you are the praying type some prayers would be great because I am miserable right now!
Bad Friend
I have been reading people’s blogs I just haven’t been commenting.
I get on my computer and I do school work. I play around on facebook to make sure certain games keep on going. I go and read blogs.
But yet lately I don’t really take the time to comment.
It isn’t that I don’t care. It isn’t that something in it hasn’t caught my eye. It isn’t that I don’t have the time.
It is just me being lazy. Or another way to look at it me being a bad friend.
I have certain blogs I frequent and read all the time. I have certain blogs that when I see something that catches my eye as a title I go and read. I have blogs I just happen upon from comments made at blogs I do go to.
I really do love reading and writing. So I am starting to think this depression thing just hasn’t been kicked as much as I would like to believe it has been.
I keep on trying to tell myself things are getting better but in reality I have three months till this Baby Monkey is here and I just can’t get out of this depressive slump. I hate being on medication while being pregnant. I understand I am on it for my blood clot disorder (Factor V Leiden) and for my gestational diabetes. I know I could take it for my depression but mental health meds are a bit more tricky and most of them are not as safe as the other medications. Of course all medications have their issues and side effects.
I am not ignorant when it come to mental health medications though. I have been on them since I was 22-year-old. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 22 and I have been on medications since that time. I have been on a lot of medications since then so I am well versed in mental health medications.
I don’t know I am feeling as if life is just overwhelming and I am insane right now. It will all work out in the end I know.
I am just feeling like I am a bad friend for not making comments like I should on blogs as I read them. I am just feeling like a bad friend overall and there is no real reason why; just the depression I am dealing with.
Good Days
The past couple of days have been good days.
Things have been stressful for so long that each day I wake up and wonder what is to come. I don’t expect bad news or things not to go right but that is typically what happens at some point in each day.
Yesterday day though I got some good news. My will be ex is almost an ex! I was doing the happy dance yesterday! My attorney called to say the results from the evidentiary hearings we had over the past 14 months. All I can say is it is really about time! My attorney used a baseball analogy when he called saying something like, “We had a game with no errors, no runs, no hits, and all he did was strike out” or something along those lines.
Let me just say there have been many times when I wanted to just give up and give in and give the will be ex what he wanted. But my Middle Monkey is my Middle Monkey. I did marry this man. I know what he is like. I know what he was like when we lived there. I know his temper. I know his manipulation. I had to do what I had to do to protect my child.
Being bipolar this did wear on me. There were many times when I just wanted to give up. There were many times when I just wanted to give in and say you can have what you want. There were many times I wanted to say you can have Middle Monkey. There were many days I would lay in bed and cry (not good when you have a baby). There were many days I would walk around in a zombie like state trying to figure out what to do. There were many days when I would cry out to Him and ask for it to be over or for it to at least move forward or for His will to be done (faster). I listened to my mom tell me I should just hand my Middle Monkey over and hope and pray when he was old enough he would seek us out.
In the end though I always wondered if anyone really saw the will be ex the way I saw him. I always wondered if anyone saw the manipulation and control he would try to invoke on the rest of us; even after I left him. I always wondered if the things I went through were just all a figment of my imagination because really that is how the Judge in this case has made me feel at times. Not only the Judge but the will be ex as well.
I have been vindicated!
This may seem silly to some but honestly back in 2001 not even a year into our marriage I tried to leave. I tried to talk to my parents about it and I was told I was being crazy and insane and nuts and well I wasn’t given this marriage a fair chance. So I stayed. I didn’t want to be accused or not giving it my all.
The thing is my family will never see or read what this judge has written and it isn’t even about that. It is about me knowing that what I went through. The fight I have put up for my Monkey for the last four years. It was not in vain and it proved to me that what I went through was not a figment of my imagination; which in all honestly I think 90% of the people who knew me and him believed I was.
Also today in the mail I was sent a lovely gift from The Simple Life (or Kelly). I entered a contest on her blog and I won! I was super excited about winning because I don’t recall ever winning anything online before! It was so cool!
Not only is it cool that I won but I used to use this stuff a couple of times a week when I was living with the will be ex. I love Satin Hands! It makes your hands feel so incredible! I also used to love the smell (I am praying right now that the smell has not changed any)!
So thank you so much for this awesome gift! I plan on using it tonight!
Please make sure you head on over to The Simple Life! She LOVES comments! Kelly has a very cut little home over there and I truly love the title of it! Who would not want to live The Simple Life?! I know I would love to live a simple life!
Today was supposed to be the first day for my plasma donating to begin. It didn’t happen. Everything that could go wrong went wrong with that appointment. Thankfully though they agreed to fit me tomorrow so I don’t have to wait another month. Which is good because if I start this week and I am able to donate twice a week I will have enough for the Oldest Monkey and Middle Monkey for their Christmas present. Then I only have to work on saving up a little bit from now to Christmas time for Jack in the Box and Youngest Monkey.
Jack in the Box starts his new job on Monday. Please pray that it is a good fit. He has been off from work since December. He is a sales man but our state really isn’t doing better. So that means even though he was hired for a sales position it could possible last a very short period because if he isn’t selling anything he won’t have a job. My BFF’s husband used to work for this same company if you are not selling you don’t last there long. Which means about a month’s period to be selling what they feel is appropriate.
I am praying for His will to be done – in all aspects of my life and seriously at times it isn’t easy. I want His will to be done in our lives but somethings I struggle with waiting for His timing.
Does anyone else struggle with that?
The past few days have been pretty good days!
Holy Crow is it Vacation Time Yet?!
Wow what a weekend.
I told Jack in the Box he was NEVER going to participate in fake olympic’s again! And when I say never I mean NEVER EVER IN THIS LIFETIME AGAIN!
Of course that was the sick person talking and if he were to ask me again next year I am sure I would say yes to it all.
Now we are going camping next week. We leave on Saturday and I am actually really looking forward to it. Although I am not looking forward to the crash that will happen to me after we get back.
Being bipolar I always look forward to the vacation. I get so excited and can’t wait to go and relax and enjoy and have fun but that comes with a cost. I have the vacation let down when I get home. I always crash. Always go into a depression. Never fails me.
But I can’t wait for vacation time. I am so tired of being (or feel like I am) the only one who does anything in this house! I am beyond tired of doing it.
This is going to be an all over post because I have so much going on.
Lets just go with how much parents irritate me. I am a parent. I am not a perfect parent but I do my best to take care of my children.
Now with that being said I really don’t know what is wrong with some parents. Actually I don’t know what is wrong with most parents these days!
Oldest Monkey gets a text last night. It wasn’t to late which was okay it was just the comment after he got it, “Great now I get to go and save Long Hair after I eat.” My frustration was there immediately. I knew what was coming from that comment. I knew soon it was going to be can I go to Long Hairs he wants to kill himself, etc.
No it gets even better. It wasn’t Long Hair sending him a text it was Long Hair’s mom! I honestly just tried to keep my frustration to myself but I am sure Oldest Monkey could see how frustrated I was.
Not long after we got home Oldest Monkey walks into the room and puts the phone up to Jack in the Box’s ear and goes, “Don’t talk, just listen” and after about 5 seconds he puts the phone up to my ear.
Honestly at this point my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I knew what was about to come and it was taking everything in me NOT to tell this parent what I really thought of her parenting style. Long Hair’s mom is telling me how Long Hair was caught in a lie about Long Hair’s brothers girlfriend and now because he was caught in a lie he wants to kill himself and he is lost in his head and he won’t talk to anyone and she needs my Oldest Monkey to come and talk to Long Hair to save him.
Now let me just say after her ramble I just said whatever and told Oldest Monkey he could go.
What I really wanted to say to that parent though was, “If your son is wanting to die and you really believe he wants to die than another teen is NOT your answer! You need to get him some professional help because if my son doesn’t do what you want and he ends up dead your NOT holding my son at fault and that is exactly what MY son would do to himself. He would hold himself to blame because he could not save his friend!”
But I didn’t because each parent deals with things their own way but honestly I get so frustrated with these parents and this generation! They know that “suicide” is such an easy way out. Get caught in a lie, get caught doing something they don’t want to do, get caught in general and it is. “I just want to die. I want to kill myself.” and everything is find and dandy and call a friend to come and save them.
Really? Cause when my son was thinking he wanted to kill himself and he wouldn’t allow me to take him in for help – I called 911! I don’t play around. If you tell me you want to die and you want to kill yourself I am not playing games.
Honestly though when people tell you they 9 out of 10 times are just looking for attention because most of those who are actually wanting to kill themselves don’t tell a soul. You just know by what they are doing and you only know if you actually are paying attention to them.
Anyway if your child is ill don’t call a friend. Get them help! Because if your child or friend and whomever is serious about wanting to die and you call a friend and then that person is successful – you have accomplished two things. 1. You have allowed that person to not get help and die. and 2. You have accomplished allowing whomever came over to help to know they were unable to save their friend and now they have guilt for the rest of their life.
Now lets jump over to the fact I was sick all weekend. It wasn’t fun. It was difficult and even though I have another adult living in this house I did it all myself with Middle Monkey. He helped me take care of Youngest Monkey all weekend long. Not only that but no one who was here did anything!
I had not done dishes since Wednesday night. Gross right?! Very gross! Now add in the flu and oh my gosh my kitchen smelled horrible! I thought I was going to die when I walked in there and I can’t smell anything! That is how bad it was when I got into the bathroom. I wanted to throw up again!
There was not a single fork, spoon, knife, bowl, plate, glass or pan that was clean in my house!
I still feel like crap. I still am aching. I am still with a headache. I am still with a fever. I am doing the dishes that have sat there, untouched, since last Wednesday! I just get done doing the dishes (and not all of them were done, it 2 dishwasher fulls and one sink full of washing by hand to get them all done) and sit down in the living room and the BFF walks upstairs. She lets me know that she had just come upstairs to do the dishes. Really? They have sat there since Wednesday and I have been on my butt since Friday night and you now choose to come upstairs to do them? After I am all done with them.
As Jack in the Box stated, “I’m playin the BS card!”
It is okay though. They got done and I am okay with that.
I am okay with knowing that if I don’t do them they don’t get done. I am okay with knowing if I don’t pick up Youngest Monkey’s toys it doesn’t get done. I am okay with knowing if I don’t vacuum it doesn’t get done. I am okay with it all because this is my life as it is right now.
We are going camping and I have so much laundry doing that it is going to take me more time than I have. We are going camping and I have a tone of cleaning to do before we can go.
This is my life and I am okay with it.
Oh and to top it all off I just found out that BFF probably isn’t going to be able to get child support or a divorce. The BFF’s husband is protected because of a military guild line and deployment and some other things. So tonight she is extremely depressed and crying because she was counting on child support – because if they can’t get child support she does not qualify for help from the state.
I don’t even know what to tell her tonight. I feel really sorry for her. This really does suck for her. She probably doesn’t realize how much I understand it. I mean I know I have an income because of my disability but it wasn’t always like this and here I am 4 years after I left the will be ex and I am still married. I have been going through a divorce for almost 48 months! No joke – 48 months! I was totally upset when I hit 12 months and then 24 months. I am laughing right now as I type this.
I am not laughing because I find it funny I am laughing because I understand how it feels to know your not going to be free. I have nothing to say to her. Nothing is going to make it better. I trying to encourage and tell her to leave on Him but she doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want to hear anything. She wants to be in her misery right now because she doesn’t see any way to move forward.
I can’t make it better for her even though I wish I could. I have nothing I can do to make it better. Sigh.
God please be with her and bring her peace in her time of turmoil.
I go on vacation next week and I can’t wait to be free from everything for the time I am gone. That is all I want right now. I just want to be away from it all!
Random Dozen
It is Wednesday and I actually have a huge vent I need to do and will do later. First though let me get to week three of the Random Dozen. Today I must say #1 is a great reminder for me especially with the vent I have later!
1. Define a great relationship. Well I have been in some pretty crappy relationships in my life so for me what I am currently in is great. For me a great relationship is being with a best friend. It is being able to tell this person everything and not only being able to it is wanting to. You can wait to share your good news or bad news with them. It is a shoulder to cry on. It is being happy with the person even when those around can’t see a reason to be happy. It is being able to laugh and joke with the person you love. It is being able to be intimate in every way possible. It is a lot of things but most of all a great relationship happens when you can give of yourself and they can give of themself as well.
2. Why is it called a “drive-through” if you have to stop? (Real question: What was the last food/drink you purchased at a drive-through?) Oh my goodness a lot of food actually. I had a houseful and this is what I got: 40 nuggets, 4 double cheeseburgers, 5 large fries, and 4 large drinks. It was a ton of food for a ton of people and it was all gone by the time lunch was over.
3. As I type this, the Butler Bulldogs are getting ready to play in the NCAA championship game. Every Hoosier is hysterical about this except me. So in honor of the Bulldogs … what is your favorite breed of dog? (I tried.) I love Labrador’s. But I am also really fond of our other puppy which is a bocker (beagle/cocker mix). We have been very blessed and have awesome dogs. Their personalities rock and they are so tolerable of our youngest (monster) monkey.
4. If you had to move to a state besides the one you currently live in, where would you move? Hawaii is my first gut reaction honestly but if I go there I can’t really drive to go visit family or friends. So probably Florida just because I have one friend who currently lives in that state and another one who is moving there in the next couple of years.
5. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Well I am bipolar and I was completely out of control growing up. I moved out when I was 14 and went back when I was 17 and left again right before I turned 19 and have not been back since that time. The relationship with my parents has been very strained because of my actions as a teen and as I have recently found out it will never get any better (what a great thing to hear from a parent). The thing I would have changed would have been parents who instead of thinking I was on drugs; which I was not; would have taken me to doctors or done something proactive to figure out why I was so emotional and having so many ups and downs. It might not have changed the path I took in my life but having a reason I was completely off my rocker would have been the best thing ever!
6. Who’s the funniest person you know? Jack in the Box is the funniest person I know really. His humor is off and running from the time his eyes open to the time they close at night.
7. Did you get enough sleep last night? I can say with 100% certainty that I have not gotten enough sleep since 2006.
8. What’s the first thing you thought about this morning? Two more days of this alarm going off and then I have two days with the alarm off and then it starts all over again.
9. Grilled or Fried? –HONESTLY Hmmmm this really depends on the season. During the spring, summer and fall I love grilled food. Throw anything on the grill and it is all good! Winter I find I really do love more fried food but every once in a while I find myself going I can’t wait for grilling season so I guess I am going to go with Grilled now that I have sorted out the seasons.
10. Are you afraid of the dark? Yes I am. Actually that isn’t accurate really. It isn’t the dark I am afraid of it is what lurks in the dark. I hate when Jack in the Box leaves for a mini-vacation with his Dad or friends. I am home alone, at night, with the kids, and I hate it. I hate going to the store when it is dark out. I hate going for walks in the dark. I am not a fan of what lurks around in the night.
11.When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? As far back as I can remember either a lawyer or a psychiatrist.
12. If you had one word to describe yourself , what would you choose? Pushover
Vacation and Real Life
I always love taking a vacation. Time away from the real world for me these days are a premium. The reason it is a premium for me because right now each and every day is consumed with court/divorce crap.
Last week my vacation was camping with my family. About half way through it though I was contacted by my lawyer because the will be ex was raising hell about me going camping and him having to go pick up his child for visitation.
Mind you he has no issue driving all over the state for motocross stuff but to have his time with his son – having to drive is an issue. Again this just shows to me how much the case is not about the best interest of the child or how much time he wants with his son. If it was – he would have driven up to get him.
Vacations are a bitter sweet for me as well. I am bipolar. I am on meds and I am doing well. Yet time away from home throws the emotions on a roller coaster when I get home. Depression normally sets in within the first few days and then it takes a while to get up and going again on a normal keel.
Well this time is no different. Depression set in.
You know it is crazy. For a while I really did believe I was the issue with the whole divorce. After this latest “motion” was brought about I see how I really am not at fault for all of this crap. The will be ex and his lawyer are quoting the mediated agreement and it is wrong. Which leads me to believe his lawyer has not even seen the mediated agreement or his lawyer is really stupid.
Last year – less than a year ago actually – we were brought to court over this same issue by the will be ex and the then current lawyer (not the same lawyer he has now). They were told to put the mediation agreement in place until the custody evaluation was complete and then and only then could we come back if there were changes to be made. Well we never took them back to court for changes I guess mainly because they never put the mediation agreement into an order. The will be ex did not get the extra time and things he wanted and really did not want the mediated agreement. So the reality is – even after being told to put it into an order it was never done.
So his current lawyer is asking for attorney fees for having to take us back to court to get a visitation schedule put into place. I find it very funny when it was his motion last time and this time that have brought us to court for this crap.
I have come to realize I am drained from all of this. I mean really drained. This has been all consuming for a very long time now. It isn’t like there is ever a break either. My day to day life revolves around how and when the next explosion from the other side is going to take place. It is not anything other than a weekly thing.
The sad thing is the only person it is hurting in the real world is my middle monkey. He is the one being hurt. I could list endless things he has said to me that show how he is being hurt but what good does that do? Just goes to show I can’t protect him from the world and mostly from his father.
Vacations are fun but the return for me is a toll taker.
Real life for me has not been very fun for a long time. I have great moments with those I love but the reality is real life sucks the life out of me currently.
Ralph please hold me up so I can keep on going because I am certain that my legs don’t have the strength currently to do it.
Lovin and Living 