Life Flashes

May 27, 2014 at 11:02 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: Alcoholic, Bipolar, Crying, Cutting, Distraught, EMT, ER, Facebook, Fire Department, God, Manipulator, ME, Mental Health Hospital, Middle Monkey, Monkey's, Oldest Monkey, Oldest Monkey's GF, Pain Meds, Police, Rabbit Hole, Self Medicating, Sexaholic, Suicide, Walmart

Trying to come up with words for this has been really hard. I know exactly what I want to talk about. I know exactly what point I wanted to get across and yet I am struggling to get the words out.

Back up a while ago. My Oldest Monkey packed up and moved out, without warning, without words, without talking and in the middle of the night. I was angry about it, very angry. But stepping back and looking I am not sure if I really had a right to be angry because I had done something similar to my parents.

I still had not fully gotten over all that had gone on. The moving out, the sticking us with a phone bill again, and just watching his life go down the drain.

Last week around 11 PM I got a phone call from the local sheriffs dispatch telling me that Oldest Monkey was on the phone and needed to tell me something. I could not understand a single thing that was coming out of his mouth. He was crying and distraught and there was no way for me to figure out what was going on. So the dispatcher told me that he had gotten home and he found his girlfriend cold and non-responsive and he needed someone there for him.

In a whirlwind I jumped out of bed, threw on whatever I could find on the way out of the house, got my Middle Monkey upstairs in case the two other Monkey’s woke up and ran out the door. Seriously when I realized what I had on, I felt as if I should be walking into Walmart in the middle of the night and put on Facebook with one of those stupid posts!

By the time I got to the apartment there were police, EMT and the fire department and Oldest Monkey was sitting outside. We were stuck outside the apartment until about 2 AM and then we were finally let go from the apartment at about 3 AM.

The next couple of days were just a whirlwind of family and friends and moving things and my anxiety going through the roof (I am an introvert and that doesn’t mean I can’t socialize and be nice and polite and around others; it just means doing so drains me in a really big way). So dealing with police and the medical examiner and the victims service unit and friends all one night and then everyone else the next couple of days made me feel like I could curl up, sleep and not get up for days. I am still not recovered from being around everyone.

But in that time (and here comes the hardest part of this post) I saw what my life could have been and only by the grace of God my life isn’t what I saw around me. I am bipolar and I have admitted that before but what I haven’t admitted is what my life was like being unmedicated with medication and self-medicating with other things and bipolar.

If I had not been allergic to pain meds I would have been addicted to them. I was a cutter. I was a sexaholic. I was a drinker. I was a manipulator. I attempted suicide more than a few times. I was a monster in every aspect that you could be.

I used to cut my arms, legs, stomach so I would bleed so I knew I was alive.

I have had sex with so many people, that I lost count at 50.

I would drink until I threw up and then start over again.

I was a master manipulator, about anything and everything.

I spent time in a mental health hospital and while there, while getting better, had sex with another patient (monitoring needed to be better and still does from the letter I read that my Oldest Monkey’s girlfriend kept from a guy in there).

I spent a lot of time in the ER because of overdosing on pills and alcohol (let me just say it is a miracle that I love cooking on charcoal as much as I do with as much as I had to puke that crap up).

She committed suicide and my Oldest Monkey found her. Listening to the stories the next day from her family and friends; I felt as if I was reliving a time in my life. It really was a flash into what the outcome of my life would have been had God not gotten ahold of me, shook me and woke me up and had I not listened to Him.

Like I said it was His grace that saved me. I had always gone to church growing up so it wasn’t as if I didn’t know who God was. But I had walked away from Him and He let me. He let me go down that rabbit hole. He let me continue to spiral because He gives us free will. I have no doubts that He reached out to me so many times I can’t even count them but I always turned away.

I saw what my life would have been like (well other than the fact that everyone really did care about her and believed she had a mental health issue that needed to be addressed; I didn’t have that in my life) if I had not reached up and taken His hand that last time.

I would have succeeded. I would have killed myself. Someone would have found me. I would have left 2 Monkey’s without a mother. I would never have known my 2 youngest Monkey’s. I never would have had my Jack in the Box. I never would have known real love. I would have missed out on a lot of things. The love of my church family. The friends I have made there. Getting into a real relationship with Him.

Even though I am not that person anymore this weekend brought up a lot of memories and heartaches and things I still have not dealt with. This is the first time I have ever truly put out there what my life was; even my Jack in the Box doesn’t really know. For me, it is a very scary place for me to have traveled back to. I was out of control and I am beyond blessed to be alive still.

The biggest question for me now is what do I do with all these memories? Do I actually find someone to work through it all with me or do I go back to stuffing and forgetting? Fear makes you do stupid things and there is no reason I should have fear over my past. God brought me out of those depths and He will still be by me working through it all.

My past life flashing before me wasn’t pleasant but I am proud to say I am no longer that person!

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