Lovin and Living
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)Archive for Past
Do You Feel Forgiven?
Do you really believe that Jesus was sent to this earth so that He could take your place on the cross? Do you believe that you are forgiven because Jesus took your place on the cross? Do you feel you are sinning without forgiveness if you don’t truly believe this?
To be forgiven means that all things in your past, present and future are not there. It doesn’t give you a free reign to do whatever you like, you still have to repent your sins to the Lord but you are forgiven.
Because I believe in Jesus, because I believe in the Father, because I believe in the Holy Spirit; I have to believe by Their grace I am saved, I am forgiven by Jesus taking my place on the cross and going through Hell for me.
If I were to stand in front of the Father tonight because I have left this earth and He was to ask me why I should be let in would I have an answer? Do I really believe I would go to heaven if something happened tonight?
Logically I can say that I know Jesus came here for me, was born, raised, taught sinners, outcasts and those who were shunned, had 12 disciples who left their lives and followed Him to carry on His teachings, He was put on trial, flogged, beaten, crowned with thrones, made to carry a cross after all of this happened to him, nailed to a cross with both his hands and feet, pierced in His side to make sure He was dead, laid to rest in a tomb, had a stone rolled in front of the opening with a guard standing watch and then He rose from the dead and it was all done for me.
I know this. I can read it in the Bible; which was left for me. I go to church and hear His message.
But deep down in my heart if I were to ask myself if I felt I would go to heaven, my answer would be about 50% certainty. I can tell others I am forgiven and I know there is nothing more I can do to make God love me and there is nothing I can’t do to make Him love me less. It doesn’t matter if I go to church or don’t go to church, it doesn’t matter if I tithe or don’t tithe, it doesn’t matter if I read the Bible or don’t read the Bible; I believe in Jesus and I am forgiven and if I were to stand in front of the Lord and He was to ask me why the answer would be, “Because You sent Your Son to the world to die on the cross for me and when I accepted Him into my life, I was forgiven and forever embraced by You.”
Now you have to realize that when you actually accept Jesus you want to be like Him, you want to be Jesus with skin on, you want to go to church and be with others who believe, you want to tithe, you want to sing His praise, you want to read the Bible, you want to grow and you want to be full of the fruits of the spirit.
So do you really feel forgiven? Do you really believe that accepting Jesus saves you?
I have a lot of work ahead of me but I know I am forgiven. Logically I know it, I just have to work on my heart and my head really believing it.
Much Needed Break
I really needed a break. A break from everything. A break from myself and my expectations. A break from my crazy life and the expectations I feel others put on me. I needed to walk away from the trap I have set up in my own mind that allows me to continue on the cycle that is self-defeating.
I have in the past couple of months come to realize a lot. One of those things is that I am not a fan of change (that part I already knew) but I really wanted to be able to have growth in me through Christ. Well you can’t have growth if you are not willing to change.
Change is so hard for me on multiple levels. I like the reliable, the knowing, the consistency. I may not be thrilled with who I am as a person all the time but if I don’t attempt to change I can’t fail and falter.
Then an even bigger question comes from my fears; Why am I so afraid of failing?
For a long time I have been telling myself that what others think of me really doesn’t matter. Or actually I have been trying to tell myself that living by others standards isn’t what matters, only the way Christ looks at me is what matters. The real question though is did and do I actually believe that? Is that how I live my life? Or am I always trying to live up to and meet the expectations of others or those I put on myself?
My one goal on this earth should be to live for Christ! And the one thing I should know is that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more and there is nothing I can stop doing that will make Him love me less!
Abba sent His one and only Son to this world to save ME (and YOU)!
John 3:16-18
16 “God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son. Anyone who believes in him will not die but will have eternal life.
17 “God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world. He sent his Son to save the world through him. 18 Anyone who believes in him is not judged. But anyone who does not believe is judged already. He has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.
This really is a slow process for me because it is hard to believe that I could go the rest of my life not tithing and He still loves me. But the whole thing is when you love and accept Him into your life and into your heart you WANT to do His will. You want to give to others, you want to give to the church, you want to grow, you want to change and you want to be more and more Christ-like. The best thing though is that no matter what you do or don’t do it doesn’t change His life for you and it doesn’t change the fact that Jesus has already saved you.
Wow ~ Has any of that really sunk into you yet?
It is finally starting to sink in for me. I still have a lot of room for growth and I still struggle with believing it fully but it is starting to sink in.
If I am in a relationship with God and He is leading me to do something I should not fear what others are going to think of me by doing it. I should not fear failing at whatever it is either because if He is leading me and I fail, He is allowing me to learn a lesson and grow.
I needed a break and I fought it for a very long time. Then God took a couple of people away from me. Then God placed a couple of people around me to help me grow. Do I miss those people very much so but He is bringing them back into my life, slowly. I think I needed to realize some things and I needed to move forward. I really was wanting growth and I really was not wanting to change. So He took two of the biggest things in my life and rocked my boat and tipped it over. Which meant I had to trust that getting out and walking on water to Him I was going to be okay.
I am not perfect. I have a lot of room for growth and change. I love Christ. Jesus came to save me and I am not judged by Him because He took away all of my sins when they nailed Him to the cross. Those in my past, those in my present and those in my future. It doesn’t mean I should stay stagnant but I need to stop judging myself based upon the worlds standards and I only need to judge myself by His standards.
Past Life Part 2
Once upon a time in a land far, far away a desperate girl married an angry, controlling and manipulating man. Now the girl wasn’t innocent herself by any means. She was bipolar and angry much of the time as well. Her bipolar disorder was also aggravated by the way she was treated though.
Life was okay at times, as long as the girl agreed with whatever the man wanted. When she didn’t life was difficult. Much yelling would go on and the girl was put down so that she was weak and agreeable.
A vacation had been planned on year. It was a very big deal! The man’s parents were paying for everything. They were flying to another state, staying in an amazing hotel, visiting amusement parks and having supposed to be having the time of their lives.
This vacation had been planned since January of the year and as they were approaching the time they would be leaving the tension in the home was becoming unbearable. November is hunting season in our state and the man was going hunting for the week prior to the vacation. He had left orders for the girl to get done with things before the vacation took place because of the fact it was supposed to snow soon.
The man got home and found that one of the man things he wanted done was not fully complete. He wanted the yard to be mowed one more time, the leaves raked and dumped one more time and trimming to take place. It started snowing not long after the man left the house, so it was much more work than what was expected.
When the man got home and the chore wasn’t complete the world started to crumble. He started to yell at everyone. He started to unpack all of the suitcases and throw the clothing everywhere. He called him parents and told them that we were not going on vacation with them that they could go themselves if they still wanted to go but we were not going. He went outside to do the chore the right way and then came back into the house to scream and yell about us getting out there to help him do the $@!^ that should have been done while he was gone.
After 8 hours of tears and fighting and yelling and ridicule and him making the Monkey’s feel like crap and believe the trip they had been counting down to for 11 months wasn’t going to happen, he changed his mind last-minute because it wasn’t fair that I ruin the vacation for the Monkey’s. The man decided that me not following his instructions this time would not result in the children being punished. He however did continue through the night with the girl telling her how she wasn’t welcome to come on the trip and he called his parents telling them to cancel my plane ticket and that he already sold my tickets to the race and the parks. That if the girl really wanted to go she was going to need to come up with money for a plane ticket, a rental car to get to the hotel, park tickets and a ticket for the race and a way to get to the race.
The girl spent the night crying about how she had ruined the family vacation. Crying about why she couldn’t get her crap together. Crying about how she once again disappointed the man. Crying over no matter how much she tried, she was never able to make the man happy and not ruin the Monkey’s lives.
So after a night of agony, the man decided to allow the girl to go on vacation with the family. So we did end up going on the vacation as a family. We for the most part did end up having a great time. But the last day prior was a living hell for everyone but the man in the household.
The Past
So I have a past.
So my husband has a past.
So why does it bug me soooo much when I hear about things from his past that involve other girls?!
GRRRRRR
Memories from the Past
I spend most of my nights staring at the ceiling or thinking about things from the past and how they are affecting my future.
This morning I woke up and was thinking back to 2004. In the beginning of 2004 I was feeling as if my marriage was going no where. I was ready to walk away because nothing was working. We would go months without having sex. We would go days and sometimes weeks without really talking or connecting.
In February 2004 we went on a trip to Austria. It was an awesome trip but it opened my eyes to how screwed my marriage was. We were on vacation and I was so excited. All of the excuses that were always being given were gone. I was thinking that we would be able to connect on so many levels. I was hoping that the stress from work and children (which were the main excuses why we didn’t talk or have sex) were not going to be there. We would be able to have fun, relax, and enjoy one another.
It didn’t happen though. I still don’t know what I did that was so wrong but the vacation was horrible. It was the first time I caught him masturbating. Don’t get me wrong I get guys do it. The problem was I thought we were getting along just fine and apparently I just didn’t know what the heck was going on in my own life. That was a wake up call for me and it was crushing to me.
I sat there realizing that we had more problems than what I ever thought.
That was the beginning of me wanting to save my marriage like I had never wanted to do before. I thought we were doing okay. We got home and I found The Marriage Bed. I didn’t sign up right away because I was so embarrassed by what I was going through. I was a woman and I was being rejected. Most of the people on those boards were men who were being rejected by their wives. I finally got enough courage to join and post.
I met a lot of people on those boards who I became friends with. I still keep up with some of them and write to some of them.
In August after a huge fight I really found God. I needed a friend and He was it. I found a church and started to take the boys. They loved it. After a while the will be ex started to go. It was nice but I was always so disturbed by how fake he was when there. Like we were this close couple. Sitting during the service with his arm around me, holding my hand or whatever.
That was a hard year.
Not that recent years have been any easier but it really was a hard year.
Today even though I am so frustrated with how I am not divorced yet. How it seems like it is never going to come to an end. It is going to come to an end. We are almost done with our trial. I am so frustrated with so much but at the same time – I am so much closer to being done than when we first started! I know the trial is not the end of it because then there is the ruling. Then we have a month for him to object to the ruling. Yet here is the great part. It has to be completely over in order for him to appeal to the supreme court of our state!
So jack in the box and I can get married and move on!
Praying for this year to be the last year I am dealing with this case.
Lovin and Living 