Very Rough Weekend

August 29, 2011 at 10:31 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: Baby Monkey, Beth S. Zimmerman, Bio-Father, Brother, Crying, Divorce, Emails, Emotional Abuse, Ex, Facebook, Father, God, Him, Jack in the Box, Manipulative, Middle Monkey, Mother, Oldest Monkey, Parents, Pray, Prayers, Saturday, Sister, Sister-in-Law, Surprise Party, Tears, Texts, Trust, Weekend, Youngest Monkey

This past weekend was rough. It was disappointing. It was heartbreaking. It was just an overall hard weekend.

My Oldest Monkey is no longer my Oldest Monkey. He is believing his bio-father. Which is insane to say the least. I mean the things he has convinced this child of blows me away.

Things like, “My dad never missed a child support payment and the most he was ever behind was a year and I never saw a dime of it and he made it very clear that money was supposed to go directly to me.” or, “He isn’t my biological dad. We look nothing alike. You cheated on him. Then you made him pay child support for 18 years all because he could not afford a paternity test.” (mind you they look like twins) or, “You kept me from him my whole life.” and so many other things.

I have emails from bio-fathers Aunt which explains all of the things he used to do to avoid paying child support so he could send money to his “wife” in another country. Or how he used to blame Oldest Monkey for not calling to tell him when to pick him up (didn’t realize when you have a visitation schedule your “child” is supposed to call to tell you to come and get them). Or how he didn’t even want Oldest Monkey in his life. The things go on and on.

This man is manipulative. This man has such a temper that one time when we were no longer together he pushed me so hard in the chest I had his hand prints on me. This man had taken this child who is damaged in the head because of what HE allowed to have happen to him while they were together. And this man is making Oldest Monkey hate me even more.

He no longer refers to me as Mom – I am Yeve. He no longer replies to emails, texts or private messages on Facebook. He no longer has me listed as his mom on Facebook. Oh wait I am no longer on his Facebook.

Not only did he take me off and “disown” me he did it to Jack in the Box, Middle Monkey, Youngest Monkey and Baby Monkey. Then add my sister to the mix and my niece and nephew. Soon I am sure it will include my mom and dad (because apparently the sexual abuse came from my parents and myself and not bio-fathers father).

So now all I can do is pray. Which is something I have been doing anyway but now it is all I can do. I can’t hear his voice. I can’t read his words. I can’t have any contact with him. I know I have a blogging friend Beth who is dealing with similar issues. So my question is how do you deal with losing a son? How do you let go and just pray?

It isn’t as if I am giving up on him because I have faith in Him. It is that I can’t change the current circumstances. I have to trust that He really is in control. Yes we are all given freewill and I have no idea where that will lead my Oldest Monkey. It lead me on a very wild ride until it stopped on His doorstep. So I have to trust that no matter what happens He is in control.

I still worry – which I don’t think is truly trusting Him but I am trying to do more praying instead of worrying. So if anyone would love to give me some answers on how not to worry and how to trust Him more and believe he is in control. Or if anyone (ahem – Beth) have any suggestions on how to make it through this loss I would be more than willing to listen.

That was only one part of this weekend. The other part was a surprise party for my parents. I have hinted before that my mom and I don’t have the best relationship. Strained 99% of the time. Well I took her out to breakfast and kept her busy. I had planned on taking her out to breakfast but on Thursday (her usual day off) but since we were doing the party I decided to do it on Saturday instead to keep her busy. Well to make a long story short. Both of my parents were surprised and had a great time. The whole purpose of the surprise party (which in all honestly all of us thought was next to impossible to be able to do with my parents – but that is another post someday) was to bring together friends and family who love them and want to celebrate with them. It worked.

They get there though and my mom hugs my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law and completely passes me. Didn’t even look at me really. The night went on and I was acknowledged once really. It was when everyone was watching and they wanted to do a group hug and so I was included. Then as we were getting ready to leave she made a comment about how she guessed I had to take her out to breakfast to keep her busy. And then as I went to give her a hug she barely touched my shoulder.

I get it – I left when I was young and should not have left. I get it – I ruined the family dynamic and the relationships I could have had with my family. I get it – I will never have the same relationship with you that I could have.

But it just hurts. I try. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I should be trying harder. I will never have her approval. It won’t matter. I am her daughter and she loves me but she doesn’t love me the way she loves others. Or at least it doesn’t feel that way. It seems like I am always a disappointment to her.

Even comments earlier in the week lead to that feeling. We were going to do our yard this summer. We had enough money saved up and medical bills from having Baby Monkey came in. We decided to pay the medical bills instead of doing the yard. We didn’t want the monthly payments. Well Jack in the Box was given money from his mom for his birthday and she told him he couldn’t spend it on a bill or a project. So he bought me a scanner (a portable scanner). We ended up talking about it and her response, “I don’t know why you would buy something like that. I have one you could have borrowed if you just would have asked. Why would you be spending your money on something like that anyway when you can’t even afford to do your yard.”

I didn’t even bother to explain to her that we choose to do the yard instead. I had no desire to. She thinks we are low-life people who can’t afford to do anything or mismanage our money. It wouldn’t matter what was said or how I tried to defend it. It was not worth it in my book. She can continue to believe we mismanage our money and don’t know how or care to save up to do what needs to be done around the house.

This weekend was a bunch of blows to the gut. I spent a lot of time this weekend crying. Even as I sit here thinking about the fact that I will probably never see my Oldest Monkey again I have tears going.

I seriously feel like I finally go rid of the divorce and the Ex and his emotional abuse and now I have taken on another emotional abuser. Except this one is doing the emotional abusing to a child who now believes every word he is saying. He has always put his bio-father up on a pedestal. Sad really. Now it is not only hurting himself it is hurting the whole family.

Please just pray. I don’t even know what to ask for in regards to prayers – just prayers.

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