Lovin and Living
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)Archive for Peace
Faith
God is in control of our lives. Even when we make bad decisions in life He can use them. We learn from them.
Yes we have consequences when we make bad choices but that is because He gave us freewill.
I just learned today that a friend of mine lost her baby girl on April 1st. She was 16 weeks pregnant and the details are sketchy at this moment but it sounds as if there is going to be a malpractice suit against the Dr. involved.
Her daughter was alive for about 4 hours. Family was there and was able to pray with her, hold her, love her, sing to her, and see her.
She wasn’t even a pound yet. And she was 7 inches long.
Life is so precious. Life is so fragile.
God knew this was going to happen and yet it is hard to have faith that it is all going to be okay.
Tomorrow is the memorial for her. Please pray for this family. Please pray there is peace and understanding.
Day Twenty
Today I am thankful for alone time.
I do not get it that often and it is usually short-lived.
But when I do get it I enjoy it. I enjoy the time I have to pray and talk with God. I enjoy the time I have to think about nothing. I enjoy the peace and quiet.
Today I am really thankful for that time!
Day Sixteen
Today I am really struggling to be thankful. It isn’t that I don’t have many things I thank Him for daily – like the roof over our heads, food in our stomach, my faith in Him and so much more. But today there have been things going wrong.
So as I sit here to write my thanksgiving for day sixteen I am struggling.
I am thankful for the peace I get from knowing He is in control. I am a worrier. I actually don’t know anyone who isn’t a worrier.
We all worry about different things though.
Women who have lost children in the past probably struggle with pregnancy and then the first year when they are born. Women who have been single parents probably worry about spouses leaving, dying, or whatever.
Men probably worry about financial issues more than women. Men probably worry more about if they are leading their families like they are supposed to.
We read the chapter in the Christian Atheist last week about worry. Had the discussion this morning. Some things really hit me.
I had thought I wasn’t as big of a worrier as I have been in the past. And to be honest to some extent this is true. If Jack in the Box had lost his job 2 years ago I would have been a basket case and this past time I was more like He has a plan.
See worry is sin. If we worry we are not trusting in Him and His ability to work in our lives. We can either live by worry or we can live by Faith.
It isn’t as if we are supposed to sit by idly and do nothing and just believe God is going to work in our lives. But at the same time there is only so much we can personally do and then the rest is up to Him.
If you don’t have a job and live by faith you can’t just say God is going to provide me with a job and then sit in front of the TV all day. God expects us to create a resume, network, fill out applications and get out there. But we that is all we can do. We can’t control if we get a job or who offers us a job but He can.
If you are struggling financially and in debt you can just sit around and buy lottery tickets and know that God is going to provide for you. We don’t choose how He provides for us but I am pretty certain for most of us – it isn’t through the lottery! We have to make a plan to get out of debt. We need to stop spending on things we don’t need with money we don’t have. We have to live within the means that He has provided for us. That is our part. And He will provide the rest, if we are faithful.
I am not saying that if you don’t live by faith bad things happen or that everything is just fine and dandy when we do live by faith. We live in a fallen world and nothing is ever just okay. All of our decisions are impacted by others choices as well.
But we do have one thing. We can pray. We can choose to believe we are in His hands and He is in control ultimately. We can choose to do what is without our own means and trust in Him for the rest. We can choose that we are not going to worry about those things that are not in our control and when we do start to worry it is going to be our key and trigger that we needs to be praying and giving it over to God (if we have done everything in our control already).
We can’t force our spouses to believe in Him. We can’t force our spouses to change. We can’t make our children do the right things. We can’t force them to be perfect.
Part of that is because whom we believe they should be or what they should be doing might not be what God is leading them to do. Since it isn’t us we don’t know what is going on.
But we can pray. And when we pray God processes us this peace. A peace that you can’t explain to anyone. The rest of the world may be in a complete and utter mess and everyone who looks at you wonders what in the world is wrong with YOU. They want to know what is wrong with you because you are not worried about what is going on. You have a peace and understand. An understanding that it is ultimately going to be okay because He is in control and you believe in Him!
When I was going through my divorce it was hard. I didn’t understand a lot of things. I was stressing and worried over a ton of things. Then I pulled out my Bible and read in Philippians 4: 4-9
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Such a powerful part of the Bible. Pray about everything, worry about nothing and this peace of God will be with you! It is a fantastic thing to know. I do not need to worry. I do not need to be fearful. I just need to bring all of those things to Him and He will give me this peace because He has it all in His hands.
One more thing – this may seem crazy but I have one really big fear/worry (listen to me – haha). I recently have been fearful that if something horrible happens I will lose my faith. That I won’t believe that He is a good God anymore. I have been praying on it and each time I think of it I offer it in a prayer to Him. It isn’t easy though but I continue to do so. What a crazy fear and worry to have though. I am afraid of something that may never happen. I know there has to be more too it and I believe it is slowly being revealed to me so I am hoping to get past this.
I just have to go back to Philippians 4 and know that I would much rather live in Faith than in sin.
Day Thirteen
Today I am thankful for all of the friends I have met because of my husband.
My husband has numerous friends. Different groups of friends. And all of them have been amazing.
Last month, one month ago today, my husband lost one of his best friends. Today in the local paper there is an article/interview with his wife and daughters.
Kim Slot is an amazing person. The strength she has shown over the past month is a great lesson for anyone who knows her. Trevor was her best friend and her husband. To lose him in the midst of finding out her cancer had returned. Honestly I can’t even begin to imagine what she must be going through on the inside.
I pray for her daily. I pray for her healing. I pray for her strength. I pray for her reliance on God. I pray for peace for her and her girls. I pray for humility so she can reach out to others if she needs it. I pray for her to not be in so much pain that she can’t function. I pray for ever aspect of her life and for her girls lives.
Kim and Trevor Slot are not the only people I have met because of my husband. Each of them have in some way touched my life. Some of them have watched us go through heartaches with Oldest Monkey. Some of them have been with us through joys like our marriage (remember it was a small ceremony and we each only had 1 friend there).
No matter what though I am thankful for each of them. I pray for all of them.
Prayers
I do not understand how people who do not believe in God make it through life. I rely upon God and His knowledge when times are tough. I should be doing this even when times are good but I tend to get a bit lacks in it.
When life is going well a lot of us forget to be thankful for what we have. Not only that but we just don’t see the gifts that are given to us daily. I personally am trying to be better at that.
God is amazing in good times and in bad times. We can be angry and tell Him. We can be sad and tell Him. We can be happy and tell Him. We can be joyful and tell Him.
Not only does He want us to come to Him in our bad times so He can help walk us through it He wants us to come to Him in our good times so He can enjoy them with us.
I am not really sure what in the past I have thought of Him in the good times. I guess that is because in the good times I haven’t really talked to Him or acknowledged Him. That was until about maybe 4 years ago (maybe a little longer). I realized how much He wants to be in my life fully, not just when bad things happen. He wants to share everything with me.
I have recently learned that when I speak to Him (which to me are my prayers all the time) I am honest with Him. I am not so sure I was 100% honest before. He knew I wasn’t being honest with Him when I spoke to Him. It wasn’t like I was lying about things but I wasn’t fully disclosing how I felt about things. It was as if I just wasn’t fully disclosing how I truly felt. I was afraid of what He would think (and yet He already knew and was just waiting for me to be honest so I could have peace about how I felt – go figure).
Like with Kim having cancer and Trevor dying. I do see Kim’s cancer as a gift. It is a crazy gift to give but it gave her the chance to hear Trevor’s voice one more time. I hope in time she sees it as a gift if she doesn’t now fully see it. But I believe God is going to fully heal her if it is His will. And yet I sit here going why would you do this to them? And hearing what she is about to go through makes me even more upset with Him.
Then I stop and think do I really have a right to be upset with Him for what they are about to go through. And then I realize I do. God made me. God watched His one and only Son go through so much here on earth. He knows the pain and anguish of dealing with terrible things. Even though God knew what His son was going to go through I don’t doubt He was angry and hurt when Jesus was put to death for us.
So I know it is okay for me to feel this way and I know He wants me to tell Him I feel this way. Because if I don’t I am not being honest with anyone, myself included.
So I do pray to Him but I am honest with Him. I tell Him how frustrating it is to see what she is going through and I tell Him I don’t understand how one person can go through so much. And I tell Him I believe she will be healed and I beg Him for mercy for the pain she is about to endure.
I don’t understand how our God can be such a loving and grateful and understanding and full of grace God and yet let someone go through so much. And then I remember Job. He lost everything. He did nothing wrong. He wasn’t being punished by God. God was showing Satan how devoted Job was to God by allowing everything and anything to be done to him; everything but hurting a hair on his own head.
I often wonder if God still allows Satan to do that to people today just to prove to Satan we do love, believe and have faith in our Lord. I wonder that because I see people, like Kim, go through one thing after another and I just wonder if it is God allowing Satan to do whatever to prove our Love and devotion to Him.
Do we have modern-day Job’s here on earth today? I think we do.
I try to pray to God daily. There are days though I admit when things are going so good that I don’t reach out to say, “Thank you for this glorious day! Thank you”. Then there are days when I talk to Him none stop.
I also think my idea of praying probable differs from so many out there. I don’t think you need to stop and be still and silent to be able to pray. I think when you say in your head when a million things are going on around you, “Thank you” or “Please be with me” or “I need wisdom” or “Please heal her” or “Please give them peace” or anything He is grateful and happy you are sharing your day with Him.
Prayers do not need to be long and drawn out and when you are completely alone. Prayers need to be you being open and honest with not only yourself but with Him; in the good and bad times.
Prayers
Friday is the day that Trevor will be laid to rest.
It is going to be a long day.
Up very early so we are all ready. To my parents with the children.
To the church for the private funeral. To the church for the public service. To his final resting place here on earth.
I am asking for prayers for everyone tomorrow. All of the families who were victims (I believe the two men who did this left their families as victims – and they are not thought of as often or in the spot light. They had a lose as well and had no part in it and are left behind to deal with it. One of the wives has cancer and two children just like Kim. Prayers for her and the children as well). For baby monkey. Longest he had been away from me – 2.5 hours.
There are other things that need prayer as well but God knows way they are.
If you read this please do a rapid fire prayer right now. Then later if you feel lead please do it again.
Tomorrow we are going to need peace, love, forgiveness, remembrance, and His presence.
Oh The Judgment!
I sit here this afternoon.
It has almost been an hour since the verdict was read in the Casey Anthony case.
The jury found her not guilty.
This may seem crazy and I am not sure what kind of comments I will get but the truth is – in some ways I am sort of relieved.
In this country we are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. She was being charged with the murder of her loving, adorable little girl. There were other charges that were more serious and she was acquitted of those as well.
She was found guilty on four counts of lying to the police though. Each of those counts can have her serving up to a year.
Twitter and Facebook are blowing up right now with disbelief and judgment of those men and women on the jury and of Casey Anthony herself.
Our justice system is based upon each person who is charged with a crime being innocent until proven guilty (or admits guilt). The prosecutor’s in this case needed to prove to those 12 jurors that she killed her daughter or covered up her death. They didn’t prove without a reasonable doubt or she would have been found guilty.
I was not in that court room each and every day. The only things I heard about the case were those things the media filled me in on. I did not hear all the evidence that was provided by the prosecutors or by the defense. I did not hear the hours and hours of testimony. Those in that room day after day are the only ones who heard it all.
There was not justice in this case for Caylee.
The sad thing is even if she would have been found guilty there really would not have been justice. And the whole family is paying the price already as it is. That whole family has lost. They have lost a daughter and a granddaughter. I doubt her parents, brother and herself will ever have a normal relationship again.
We live in a sad world. Bad things happen to good people and to innocent children. Some people pay for their crimes and some people don’t pay.
We the public though tend to judge those who are found innocent. I truly can not even imagine the life Casey is going to have after this trial and after her jail time is served. I really do not know what kind of life she will have when all of this is over.
I was not placed here to pass judgment on those around me. No I do not believe that justice was served for Caylee Anthony. Yet at this point in time I have to believe or take on the attitude that Casey Anthony is an innocent person of the crime of murder and abuse/neglect of her daughter. I do get to believe she gave false testimony to the police but that is it because that is all she was convicted of.
I know she will be judged one day by the ultimate Judge. Just like one day I will be judged by the ultimate Judge. Just like each all of you out there will be judged one day.
There are only two people who truly know the truth in this situation: God the Father and the person who hurt Caylee; whether intentional or unintentional.
The jury has chosen not to speak to the press and media. I am glad that they are all going to go home and attempt to go on with their lives without being hounded by those who are dying to know why. I am sure that somehow, someone who works in the court system down there will release the names and they will be exposed and sought after then. At this point though they can go home and be with their families and have peace knowing that they did what they were supposed to do. They were supposed to listen to the evidence and make a decision based upon what was presented not how they felt about the case.
May the peace of the Lord be with everyone who is affected by this case; which appears to be the whole nation.
I Stink and I Hurt
They didn’t use staples or stitches for the three spots and the hole they made in me. They used a glue. Which is fine but I can only shower about twice a week until the glue is gone naturally.
So I stink. I wash up in the sink but I still stink. I can’t wait until I can use up my 2nd shower this week to get a good washing in. I used my first one the very first day I was home (so Sunday). I hate not showering when I want to shower. Of course there are times when I don’t shower because I am in a depression though. So this should be no different but it is because I want to shower.
I also hurt in many ways. My heart is really hurting. My belly is also really hurting. It is getting better though. I am so excited to be healed fully!
I have been struggling with acceptance of what is going to come for and of my Oldest Monkey.
I know I really need to just accept that he is who he is and he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. He isn’t ready to say there is something wrong. He isn’t ready to deal with and face the fact he has issues he needs to work through.
He has moved out. I am okay with him moving out. I have come to accept the fact that the two of us can not live under the same roof. We are too much alike and I am okay with that.
What I can’t accept though is how stupid he is being. He hasn’t come to get all of his stuff yet. Well for my sake I hope it is soon because him thinking he can come and go as he pleases is really getting to me but that is beside the fact.
Each day I get a call from the school telling me about a day he missed and the lies he told about where he was. Each day I get a letter from school telling me about more academic probation he is being placed on or his current (failing) grades or again about the missed days of school. Today though topped the cake it was a few different phone calls. Jack in the Box even got a call from his “community” service coordinator. He lied to us (which to be honest we already knew and this isn’t really a surprise) and wasn’t at community service last week as he claimed to be. Basically he needs to call them and when his excuses don’t fly he is going to be right back in jail. Not only will he be in jail for not doing his community service he is going to be in jail because $40 is due on the 19th for his fine and I am pretty sure he doesn’t have that. Oh and then add some more days because he owes $150 for being in contempt of court by March 1st and I am pretty sure he doesn’t have that either. Although he has a lot of money all the time non of it goes for his fines (so stupid). So overall if the Judges decide to truly put him in jail for all these things he isn’t doing he currently is looking at being in there for a total of 70 days.
Now I don’t know about you but he claims to be suicidal and that the only reason he is that way is because of being in jail. Ummm so tell me if you don’t want to go there and you can’t handle being there why the heck don’t you do what you need to do to stay out of there?
Everyone who reads this knows I was having issues and in lots of pain and had to go through surgery last week at 25 weeks pregnant. While I was there my Middle Monkey would come home each day and ask how I was and how the Baby Monkey was doing. Then he had to go off and be with the Ex for the weekend (and that is a whole other story) and didn’t get an update until Sunday (thanks a lot you jerk). Jack in the Box rarely knew were Oldest Monkey was at and when he did catch him at home he asked for help on something and was basically told he didn’t have time to do it. He never called or came to see me. Never even asked about me to see how I was doing. I had accepted I was the last person on his radar in regards to me being there. It just meant the mean @!tch wasn’t around to chase him down and blow up at him.
But yesterday and today something else became very clear and this is why my heart hurts. Oldest Monkey’s GF has many siblings. One of these siblings was taking to the ER on Wednesday (of last week) and admitted to the hospital and then had emergency surgery. Oldest Monkey posted on his facebook about her and how she was doing and when she was being released and all sorts of things. He was at the hospital every day with that family to support and show how much he cares about and loves them. Not once did he mention on his facebook or even to anyone that I was in the hospital. Not that he had to put it on facebook but to not even say anything to anyone!
I was a horrible parent long ago. I was mean to him because it was better than the Ex being mean to him. It doesn’t make it any better but I did leave the Ex because I couldn’t handle it anymore in regards to how he was being treated and how I was being treated. He has never forgiven me and actually he has told me many time he hates me and wants nothing to do with me and he has no idea why. He is angry at me all the time and he has no clue why and he has no desire to know.
But since leaving I have done everything I could to make it up and work it out and make it better for him. Nothing seems to work though. Nothing ever made a difference to him. And the truth really came out this past week.
I am heartbroken that I have done so much damage that he cares so little for me. I am hurting because of the surgery. Plus on top of everything I am dealing with I stink.
God give me grace and peace and understanding because right now I am struggling.
Lovin and Living 