Lovin and Living

This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)

Archive for Emotions

Full of Emotions

February 1, 2014 at 10:09 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , ,


There isn’t much to say other than since this pain I am feeling has kicked up a notch my emotions have kicked it up a notch as well.

It has been crazy how easily I cry over the simple things. Things that never would have made me cry before make me break down.

The only thing I can correlate it with is the pain levels I am dealing with. I didn’t realize pain all over your body could affect your emotions the way this does but oh my goodness, it is all I have.

I have had about all I can handle lately with all of it. My pain level, my emotional level and most of all my insanity that I feel as if I am dealing with lately.

Praying for myself and hoping whatever is going on resolves itself soon!

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Day Twenty-One

November 21, 2012 at 8:53 PM · Filed under Thirty Days of Thanksgiving and tagged: , , , , , , , ,


Today I am thankful for my Middle Monkey.

He is very similar to me in many ways.

He suffers from depression. He is a mother-hen. He is so caring and he hurts so easily.

This past week was a rough week on him. He came home in tears on Monday.

He isn’t popular and those kids are mean! I am sure they could be kids who are mean to them but being a child who doesn’t fit in many places being mocked and teased by popular kids makes it so hard.

There are times this kid drives me crazy. He is very much a know it all. Which he gets from my Ex. It isn’t his biological father but he is around him enough (which is why I say environment does play a huge roll in people’s lives). It is almost as if he HAS to be right and he HAS to know about EVERYTHING! It is draining but we are working on it.

Life isn’t easy when you are full of emotions but it is so important to help them to learn to function.

Today I am so thankful for my Middle Monkey.

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Day Five

November 5, 2012 at 7:48 PM · Filed under Thirty Days of Thanksgiving and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,


Today has been a very mixed day.

Up with emotions.

Down with emotions.

We had a mixed blessing today. Someone in my life offered to pay for the back brace that Jack in the Box needs.

When I had called the first time I was told that it would be between $100 and $150 depending upon the measurement and type of brace they ordered for it.

I have been praying about this for a while and when this person offered my first gut reaction was to just say no. I struggle with accepting help when it is given and I think at times that is why we are in this position because I need to learn some grace.

So this day went on and I spoke to Jack in the Box and he didn’t say no and honestly I am not sure what he was thinking but if he didn’t like it he would have said so. He is vocal in that aspect. Sometimes we let our pride get in our way and we don’t have the ability to show grace.

So I called today to schedule an appointment for him to get measured and it will happen on Thursday but now I am scrambling. When I spoke to her and told her the circumstances and asked what would be the best way to handle it she made it sound as if what this person had offered to pay and what I had been told before wasn’t going to be even close to what the cost would be. But at the same time she wouldn’t give me even a clue as to what the total cost might be.

So as grateful as I am for the offer I am concerned about if it is now going to be enough.

This leads to me going back to praying and praying for an answer or solution or for it to actually be near the first cost I was told.

Today I am thankful that people care so much about whether or not my Jack in the Box will be able to work without issues!

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I am Slacking

April 1, 2012 at 7:29 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


I am slacking in every aspect of my life. I am really tired of slacking in every aspect of my life.

Let me count (some) of the ways I am slacking:

  1. Exercise
  2. Watching What I am Eating
  3. Laundry
  4. Dishes
  5. Emotions
  6. Organizing
  7. Painting
  8. School Work
  9. Blogging
  10. Giving a Crap

I will only give ten because I could keep on going. And I am not sure if it is good to focus on what I am not doing?!

A couple of days ago I knew I was getting sick. My throat was raw when I woke up and my ears were killing me. Then the body starts to feel drained. I could curl up in a ball and sleep and sleep and sleep. Of course part of this I think comes from the problems I am dealing with my emotions as well. So getting sick on top of how I am feeling emotionally makes it even worse.

I need to get back on track. I am starting back at the gym tomorrow. I am not sure what I am going to do there though. I would like to get into the pool and walk for an hour. But as I am reading the schedule it does not have any lap lanes listed so that might not be an option for me. I hurt my shin a while ago and so I have been trying to take it easy. Which resulted in not going (bad choice on my part). So I need to get back in the habit of going and doing this.

I feel so much better when I am going. I feel so much better when I am making good choices with food. Plus in regards to food I have been having an allergic reaction to something. Which started after I started to eat crappy again. So I am thinking after almost 2.5 months of eating right and then going back to bad things – my body was reacting to something I hadn’t noticed before. So I need to get back to doing what is right and good.

Emotionally as well since I stopped working out I have been on a huge roller coaster ride. It has been horrible. Up and down. Of course more down than up. I don’t have patience for the Monkey’s at all. My rosacea is flared up really bad. Which then leads to my face hurting horrible as well.

I seriously am feeling like all I do lately is whine and cry and pout. But that isn’t all I do. I actually do more keeping it in than letting it out.

I am going to start this month by attempting to write each day. Even if it is just a brief one line saying how I am feeling for the day. I really need to work on feeling better.

So this month is a month of change. I have to get my “give a crap” back! I am worth it.

I am going to get back to the gym.

I am going to start writing again.

I am going to make myself important again, because I am important.

I am going to stop keeping things in because that leads to negative thoughts and feelings.

I am going to make changes this month.

And even though this is April 1st – this is not an April Fool’s Day Post.

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Reading

October 5, 2011 at 10:09 PM · Filed under Abuse, Control, Relationships and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,


I have been reading stories of women who have been in abusive relationships.

It has been hard. So many of them still feel bad about what they went through.

So many of them still live with that stigma from what was said and done.

So many of them still believe what was said to them and it has been years!

Abuse is such a hard thing to go through. You feel alone. You feel like it is your fault. If only you had done this better or that better or not set him off by saying this or that.

Reading all of the stories it just reminds me how we are all the same. It doesn’t matter what type of abuse you go through the feelings are all the same. You are beaten down and broken down and made to feel like you are lower than the dirt on the ground.

I am glad I am reading these stories. I am glad I am tackling this project. It really shows me how detrimental this is.

If you know of anyone who is in an abusive relationship and would be willing to tell their story please let me know.

If you know of anyone who was in an abusive relationship and would be willing to tell their story please let me know.

If you have family or friend who is in an abusive relationship and want to tell your side of the story please let me know.

Please contact me at yeveeeffoc at gmail dot com.

 

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Thank You Very Much

September 29, 2011 at 10:47 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


I have been doing well about not thinking about Oldest Monkey. When I think about him I am heartbroken. I am depressed. I am saddened. I am missing him more than I really want to admit. At the same time I am happy to have the peace in the house from not having to deal with his outbursts and anger. It really has been peaceful and enjoyable but I do miss him so much.

Then I feel guilty because I feel okay about him not being here.

Thank you very much Mr. Ex who wanted nothing to do with your son growing up. Thank you very much for attempting to convince your family that it was all a child’s fault you were not speaking to him or picking him up. Thank you very much for taking this man who is still a boy in his mind and manipulating him. Thank you very much for all you have done over the past 5 or 6 months to his mind. Thank you very much for introducing him to someone in another country because that is what you are doing. Thank you very much for convincing him that you are not even his real father. Thank you very much for being an angry and controlling person. Thank you very much for allowing this child who wants to be a man to believe it is all going to be okay if he does something wrong in another country. Thank you very much for helping to break my heart.

I have grieved over Oldest Monkey because I don’t know if he is coming back. I am sitting here wondering what in the world is going to happen to him and if he knows that God is with him.

I broke down and looked at his site on facebook. Honestly I don’t even know why I did it. I haven’t been going there because when I go there I am so uneasy and don’t rest and worry and it isn’t my job. God is looking after him, worrying about him, taking care of him, and He knows where he is going to end up. So I have been doing everything I can do to avoid doing His job and sinning.

Living in this world and not sinning is impossible! Simple things that you typically don’t think about as sins are sins. It has really become obvious as my Bible study group has started to read this book, “The Christian Atheist” by Craig Groeschel. (which by the way if you are looking for a great book to read by a good author – this is the one for you!)

But the thing is I try. I try to be thankful for what He has provided me with. I try to be helpful to those in need. I try to not complain (well I complain here but I try not to in real life so much). I try to be honest about my feelings. I am thrilled honestly with how much life is now versus how it was years ago.

But I still continue to sin over things like worry and fear and overeating and not taking care of this body He has provided me and so much more.

The thing is I love my son and I miss him and that is okay. Being upset at the Ex who is his bio-father is okay as well. Worrying about him and what he is doing and if he is okay though isn’t so much okay.

Thank you very much to this glorious world and this wonderful life we live in that is full of sin. It isn’t easy. It is hard to be a Christian . It is hard to believe that our God is a good God when so much is going wrong around us. When there isn’t enough to pay the bills. When there is a job but it doesn’t cover what you need it to. When there isn’t enough food on the table to feed everyone. When the cars are breaking down and you have no clue how they are going to get fixed. When you are hurting inside and feeling alone – it is hard to believe.

But that is when you need to believe the most.

At Bible study someone said think of your life as a train. The engine is what you know and can trust in. Then as you get back to the caboose that is your feelings and emotions. If when you are depressed and hurting and unsure and unable to truly believe because of your current circumstances you are trying to run the train you are on with the caboose. It isn’t going to work. You have to just trust in what you know and what you can trust in. You have to have faith even when you don’t feel it. that is when you just have to trust that He is good and that engine is going to get you where you need to be; even if it isn’t when you want it.

That is how I have to look at Oldest Monkey right now. My emotions and feelings are trying to have my caboose run this train. I just have to trust that the engine is going to get me where I need to be. I have to trust that no matter what happens with Oldest Monkey God is with him. Good or bad things will happen in his life and I just have to trust that God is with him no matter what goes on.

It is hard to do but I have to believe. I have to know that just like when I struggle He is holding me that He is holding him. I have to believe that no matter what goes on it is going to be okay, even when I am really hurting because I no longer have my Oldest Monkey.

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House Update (Please Don’t Mind the Self-Pity)

February 11, 2010 at 9:20 AM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,


Not such a good update really.

Because I have to stay in this school district and because our price is so low we currently don’t have any home options. There are houses out there that are three bedrooms but they don’t really have basements so I can’t add a fourth. Or they need so much work that the price isn’t worth what they are asking and I would not pay it anyway.

We had 2 real options yesterday when we went to look at the homes. Our Realtor was unable to get in touch with the Realtor(s) selling the homes. On our way home we drove by both of the houses and someone was outside for one and we found out that house had sold. Then we called the other listing and found they had sold it as well.

Right now we have two more homes to go look at. One I found out is actually only 2 bedrooms and they had it listed wrong. The other one is out of our price range and I doubt they are going to drop down low enough. It would be a huge drop especially with us needing the seller to pay 6%.

I am mad at the mortgage guy I was waiting on. I had another pre-approval with another company but the rate was high. So I waited. Waiting made us miss out on the house that even though the set up sucked was big enough for us. I am mad at myself for waiting. We could have put a bid on the house with the other company and just had an interest rate of 8%. It is pretty high compared to what was offered by this other company (5.4%). And the thing is even though the other company had me pre-qualified for us to $125k I was not planning on going over $100k because of the interest rate. So really I shot myself in the foot because I am at 100k no matter who I went with. Of course I like the cheaper rate. It is just frustrating for me. It makes me sad.

We have about 2 weeks to secure a house in order to get the tax credit. We need that tax credit especially if we are going to be getting a foreclosed home and that is pretty much all that is around right now in our price range.

I am trusting that God is my advocate but He can not control those around me. Which means that bad things can happen because we all have free-will. We could be without a house, we could be moving into a house that needs a lot of work and we can’t afford to do or we could be stuck right here.

I am trying to say, “God I trust you and this is in your hands.” but I am not sure if I really feel that deep down. I just keep on saying if I just keep on repeating it sooner or later I will feel it.

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When Emotions Don’t Match

February 10, 2010 at 1:50 PM · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,


I have been struggling with a lot this past week. My emotions do not match what is going on in my life at times and this is one of those times.

We have had a rough week and it started with Monday.

Got a call from the school on Monday that Oldest Monkey did something stupid. He was suspended and I would like to lash out but am not even sure who to lash out at. Basically my Oldest Monkey has been talking about this kid at school who has been talking crap about his girlfriend. On top of him talking crap he has been whacking him in the back of the head as they walk through the halls and so on. This kid is about 100 pounds and my son is about 170 pounds. My OM last week went and talked to one of the Dean of Students. Talk to him about this kid, his cutting (another story), his sadness all the time, his crying, his anger and him wanting to feel better. This Dean called and spoke with Jack in the Box. Some of these things – actually all of these things – we have been away of and working on dealing with. What got under my skin though was the fact that this Dean made a comment to Jack in the Box about him having “attention marks” on his arm. This man is very lucky he was not on the phone with me because I would have reacted in a very inappropriate way.

I myself used to be a self-mutilator. It happens in this world. My guess is going to be this is nothing new but it is new to those who have never heard of it and don’t understand it. It is something that because it is just being talked about in an open matter not seen the way it should be seen. It is been seen as just as he said something to get attention. It makes me want to just come unglued. It isn’t a thing for attention because if it really was a thing for attention those who did it would flaunt it and they don’t. My son reached out – asked for help – and this guy calls it an attention getter.

Now to go back to the fact that my son talked to this Dean about what was going on. What was done about it? What? Did they bring the kid into the office and talk to him about it? Did they do anything or did they blow it off as normal kid stuff? After my OM hit this kid in the face (which we are still waiting to find out if it is broken or not – sigh) and they were in the office and I got the call the kid was saying he never said anything. Some other kids said my son had told them if he kept flapping his mouth or hitting the back of his head he was going to hit him. Anyway my question is as they were sitting in the office asking him why he didn’t try to talk to something and come to a different resolution about all of this – which actually he did a week before – what did the school do?!

Not that I condone what he did; as a matter of fact I don’t and he will have consequences for what he did; but I bet that kid who weights 100 pounds thinks twice before he opens his mouth and says anything about another kids girlfriend!

Then Monday night we got the pre-approval for the house. We can purchase a house up to $98,188. So the next morning I spoke with our Realtor and planned on meeting with him to place an offer on the house we have been looking at only to find the bank accepted an offer Monday night.

I am so hurt and disappointed right now that I don’t even know what to do anymore. This guy who was doing the mortgage too forever. It was supposed to be done the week before but it wasn’t. Everything just kept on being put off. He was swamped and I just sat back and was not aggressive. Each time I spoke with him it felt as if I was not his only customer and you know what I should feel like that. I am doing him a favor by choosing to use his company because I had an approval through another company. But I don’t have the guts to say that to anyone. I just get walked on as I always do.

Now here it is Wednesday and the two houses we were truly looking at are both gone. There are no more 4 bedroom homes in our price range in the area we need to be in. There are some three bedroom homes that are small than the one we are currently renting. Which does not really do me much good because with them being smaller than what I am currently in and with only three bedrooms it does not do what our objective was; which is getting Youngest Monkey out of our room. I gave a list of houses to go look at though to our Realtor and I am waiting to hear from him. We only have 30 days though – make that 28 days to secure a home.

I should be happy. We get to move into something we will own. Instead I am draining and disappointed and sad. Because of the amount of the loan we are so limited that I sit here wondering if it is even worth it. I know we will own it some day but really if it does not do us any good and we are moving into a smaller living space with the same amount of rooms what is the point?! I won’t have enough to alter the home with improvements and expansions.

I cried yesterday afternoon about the four bedroom home I was really interested in. I cried! I didn’t even know if I would be approved and yet I cried. Then I bucked up and said find we will have to look at 3 bedrooms I guess. I am trying to believe God is in control of all this. I am trying to be at peace knowing it is all going to be okay and we are going to end up where we are supposed to. But as I sit and pray I wonder how will I know? I really thought I knew this house would be it but it wasn’t I guess. So how will I know. I know God is in control but I have decided my connection isn’t strong enough to know and follow His wishes.

It makes me sad. I wish I was feeling better about the whole house thing but I am in this depressed mode that is killing it.

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