Lovin and Living
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008-2015)Archive for Work
I Want To Give Up
I would like to give up most days lately.
We set on a path in August to get ourselves out of debt and get ourselves financially stable.
Then it seems everything and anything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
I was so excited in the beginning and was feeling really good about our choice.
We decided to make Christmas present for extended family to cut costs down and we all felt really good about it.
Then things started going wrong. And now this past week even more went wrong. As of Monday we are going to be $3500 negative in our account, if the company actually withdraws the funds.
Basically our insurance has an HRA account. It was supposed to be in effect starting January 1st and going through year end. But instead we started to get bills, even more bills than we had been paying on. So I started to look into what was going on and found we didn’t have an HRA account set up. Basically since March I have been working with three different companies trying to get it all figured out. They finally started to make payments in September. So places I had paid were sending payments back, places who had billed my secondary insurance were sending payments back, some places were keeping payments who should not have. It has been a mess.
Well in October they deposited $3500 into our checking account. I called to find out what it was, what it was for, if it was a mistake and was told it was for bills I had already paid. Now the company has come back and said they never should have paid us because the company Jack in the Box works for set it up to only pay companies. So they need to retract the payment and they will be doing it on Monday.
We don’t have it. We used it to pay bills.
I am so beyond overwhelmed. I don’t even know how to deal with any of it.
Jack in the Box needs major repairs on his car, I am almost without all shocks and struts, middle monkey is in need of a passport for his trip, another payment needs to go into his account. Jack in the Box hasn’t even been working 40 hours a week since the beginning of November.
I just don’t have any of it. We are barely paying our bills each month right now.
Sorry if anyone reads this rant. I am just having huge struggles and am not sure anymore how to deal with any of it.
Tired
My Monkey’s have not been sleeping well. That is probably the biggest understatement I have made in a very, very, very long time.
It has been taking forever for them to settle down and get to sleep. And then by the time they finally get to sleep I have my second wind and can’t fall asleep. And then just as I start falling asleep my Baby Monkey wakes up and he is upset and needing to have physical contact with someone. And then as I get him calmed down our flippin kitty thinks, “Oh yeah I had a nap let’s play!” And then by the time he finally settles down my alarm is going off for Jack in the Box to get up for work.
Yup this is how every night has gone for me for the last week (might even be a bit longer actually).
I am pretty certain my lack of sleep has been adding to my feelings about the financial stuff that has been going on in my life and the fact that I am tired of the inconsiderate people in my life!
It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing that how I am feeling is wrong. But it does actually leave a lot of time to think about things. Which then of course makes me feel worse because I think about how I am actually sinning feeling the way I do. Which is then compounded by the fact that I am tired and I always feel worse when I am tired.
Yup it is one great big round robin about how I feel and why I am feeling the way I do and the emotions are just compounded.
It has been a MML kind of time (Muck My Life).
Contemplating
So lately I have been doing a check of myself. I am failing in many ways. I am frustrated with a lot.
I have a friend who is doing a diet. And I really shouldn’t call it a diet because it for her is a lifestyle and it is one everyone could truly benefit from. But she focuses on how anyone can live and eat this way, even on a budget. My budget for a family of 5 on a weekly basis (and this is if I am lucky) is around $30. That has to provide everything for our family. Milk, bread, eggs, meat, carbs, veggies, and fruits. So as you’re sitting there trying to figure out how that is done I can answer for you. We typically just eat sandwiches for lunch and dinner and the children don’t get as much milk as they should but we have to make what we have work.
There is another person who I know (we are no longer friends) who is losing her children. She is losing her children because she refuses to do what is ordered of her. She complains she is broke and can’t afford anything and yet weekly she gets her nails done, eats out at least 2 times a week and is buying things all the time.
I am watching all these people I know go on vacations and having fun with their children (I know you don’t have to go away to have a good time with your children).
I sit back and I feel like a failure. My credit has gone from being very good to very poor. We are in deep and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. As a matter of fact in less than a year it is going to get worse unless we figure something out quickly and get moving on it. We don’t get to do anything with our children unless it is gifted to us. Ninety percent of the time I can’t even provide my children what they need, let alone fun things.
I typically am not upset at seeing or hearing about these fun things. I am happy for those people who can go and God blesses with these gifts and abilities. But lately I am struggling to be happy about these things. I find myself asking, “Why?” and, “How come?” and, “Why not us?” and then I am reminded of a friend saying after she lost her child, “Why not me?”.
It gets hard to ask the why not me though especially when trying to teach my children that God is who you need to focus on and thank. We need to be grateful for what we have been blessed with and we need to thank Him for what He blesses others with. And then they are asking why do they have it so much better and they don’t believe in God mom? Or why is it so much easier for them and they believe in God just like us?
And the truth is I no longer know what the answers are!
I sit back and watch all these people complain they have no money and watch them say how much they have to sacrifice for themselves that they are unable to afford and yet – they are wear the best clothing, have fake nails and pedicured toes, purchase things all the time that are things that are not really needed. Yet they are giving up things they really do need and complaining they have no money!
I admit there are times I spend money I shouldn’t. Then of course I get so angry at myself for doing it because we are already short money for what is needed.
I am not saying that from time to time spending money on yourself is bad. But what it really comes down to is I don’t want to hear how broke you are when I wake up in panic attacks trying to figure out how I am feeding my children, putting clothing on their backs, gas in the cars so my husband can get to and from work and anything else that is a true essential need.
I dread paydays because as soon as the money comes in it is gone again. I hate them! I have more anxiety on paydays than any other days.
So I have been trying to examine my heart. Because it isn’t fair that I feel this way about others. We all sin, we all have issues and we all have places we need to work on. And most of the time I am happy for those people but lately I am struggling with how I feel. And with that I am contemplating the real issues that are going on within me and having to have a heart to heart with God for Him to work on and set me straight!
Sigh – growth sucks a lot of the time!
Day Ten
Our life has been one test after another lately. We are happy and we are in debt. I love my husband. I love my children. And yet we always seem to have financial issues.
I am trying to focus on good things right now and this past week it has been really difficult to do.
Today I am thankful for my family. We have been working hard outside. Youngest Monkey wants a sledding party and so we have been cutting down trees. Cleaning up the hill and the top of the hill. And a lot of burning (I thought we have a big fire-pit but 3 days of burning the limbs and it is full!).
We still have a way to go but we are so much closer. We have a chainsaw that will be here tomorrow to get the two larger trees down, and a possible third.
I am thankful that everyone who lives under this roof have taken to helping with this large task. It is making things a lot easier for me.
Saturday
Today is Saturday.
Tomorrow my husband goes back to work.
I am glad he is working but I am really not so thrilled with the hours. But it is a job and I am thankful for that.
I really can’t wait to get his first paycheck. Just so I can feel as if we are getting caught up. Maybe not caught up but moving forward. It will also be nice to get a general idea as to how much he is going to make.
We have a lot going on right now and a lot we need money for. In the end we will be okay. He is in control.
Today is Saturday and tomorrow my husband goes back to work!
January 9, 2010
Well I did something today I probably should not have done but I did it anyway.
I purchased an elliptical. I got it off of HSN and it really does seem nice. Price was actually reasonable in my opinion. I am using my HSN card so it will be monthly payments. It comes to about $75 a month for the next 6 months. Honestly that isn’t bad in the grand scheme of things and I didn’t have to pay shipping.
I really wanted a treadmill over the elliptical. Well that isn’t true I would rather have both to be honest with you but with the living situation there isn’t room for both of them. So I am going with the elliptical and hoping that by next year I will be able to get a great deal on a treadmill with no shipping to pay either.
The reason I really should not have done this is because I should be working on eliminating debt since jack in the box is still out of work. It isn’t so much that he is out of work as much as there are no prospects for work. So here I just add yet another bill to our plate when I should be paying off bills. Which I am actually. Most of my credit cards are going to be paid off before the year is out. Then I only have to get jack in the boxes paid off.
Honestly though when I stop and think about it currently we can afford this little extra. Now later on it will be pushing it but currently we will be okay.
I just really don’t want to go on med’s for this issue I have. I have a blood clot issue. If I gain 5 more pounds I am back on meds that prevent me from eating the salads and green veggies. I really like those foods a lot. I don’t want to be off those foods again.
So I did something I probably should not have done but I did it for me and my health. So here is to hoping that it will all work out and be okay.
I Am Thankful…
I am thankful because if I am not thankful I am going to be an old bitter person.
Today I had great news. I decided to check my credit scores. I figured what the heck. The two programs I planned on using required a 3 month subscription so I figured i might as well do it now. Wow was I surprised. 1 of my FICO scores was 590 and now it is 671. 1 of my FICO scores was 657 and now it is 671. 1 of my FICO scores was 610 and now it is 638. WOW! 1 month I had a huge jump and it was nice. It was nice to have a jump like that. Especially because I was told they use the middle score. Which means my middle score is 671! WOOT!
I was all excited and happy and jumping for joy and I called jack in the box and smack. Reality came back into my life. Jack in the box was laid off today. Well I know it isn’t a lay off – I know it is we are letting you go. Why would it not be. No one is selling anything these days. No only that but no one is hiring. I was just thinking about how we were finally doing okay. We are not doing the best but we are doing okay. We were paying our bills. We were putting food on the table. We were putting gas in the cars.
Here we go again. Where will the money come from for doctor appointments? Where will the money come from for food? Where will money come from period!
I am thankful – we have a roof over our heads. I am thankful – we are a family. I am thankful – I love my children and my partner.
I am thankful because if I am not thankful – I am going to be very bitter.
Money Tree
I have decided I really need to find a money tree! Does anyone out there in the blog world have one growing in their backyard? If you do would you be willing to send me a few of the dollars you pluck off from the tree from time to time?
It just seems like when it rains it pours.
Money issues always happen. I know this. You know this. We all live this.
I know the majority of the world is struggling with finances in one way or another.
It just seems to me though that for me when we are struggling – everything that can go wrong does.
We have the large water bill. We now have less time to save up for tires for both the van and car (it is supposed to be snowing by this weekend – ARG). We still have the whole Christmas thing. We have so much going on financially that when I sat down today to figure out what I needed before the end of the month/end of next month/end of the year – we won’t even have that much come in.
I am attempting to take things a day at a time. A lot of times these days I am taking things one minute at a time. It just seems that it all comes on at once.
Each time we start working on our emergency fund again – sometime comes up. I am always thrilled we have saved something up because at those moments we would never make it through financially otherwise.
This time though – we don’t have it there.
We always seem to get through but this time I am not sure how. We have nothing saved up.
I struggle with how we never have any money. I know jack in the box does as well. He used to be able to go out and do anything he wanted. Of course that changed – he has a family now – but it still pains me to watch him have to say, “No” all the time to his friends (all they do is go places that cost money or do things that cost money). Most of his friends have great jobs and are set financially. We are far from it.
Money will break me one day. We pay our bills. We barely get by.
I know there isn’t a state that is doing great right now. It sure would be nice to go someplace though that was doing better.
Some days I just want to cry.
Lovin and Living 